Trivial
by Kelex
Summary: A series of dialogue-only shorts where Clark and Lex discuss useless trivia
1. Trivial 1: Useless Trivia

Title: Trivial  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PG for innuendo  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: Useless trivia  
  
Notes... Posted for Ghini Tynant, who helped me come up with the inital   
exchange and it sort of ran from there.  
  
Archive: Knock yourself out.  
  
"Okay, Clark... I'll bite. What's the most trivial thing you know about me?"  
  
"I know that your mechanic is named Hans."  
  
*snort.* "You know how attached I am to my cars. I'd hardly call my   
mechanic trivial."  
  
"Come on. How many guys know the names of their best friend's mechanic?"  
  
"How many guys do you know that drive Ferraris, Porsches, and Lamborghinis?"  
  
"Okay. But still."  
  
"My turn. The most trivial thing I know about Clark Kent is... you won a   
fourth place ribbon in a rock-collecting competition."  
  
"Okay, no argument there. That is decidedly trivial considering I haven't   
even *thought* of that since I won it."  
  
"And that's a shame, Clark. You should take pride in your victories, no   
matter how minor they are."  
  
"Thus speaketh Alexander the Great."  
  
"Did you know that Alexander created the first legion of homosexual lovers?"  
  
"... No. I have to say, I did not know that."  
  
"You see? Hanging around me is good for your intelligence quotient. Keep it   
up, and we'll have you educated in no time."  
  
"So Alexander's gay?"  
  
"Me or him?"  
  
"... either?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"To?"  
  
"Both."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Yes, Oh."  
  
"But Victoria--"  
  
"Bisexual, if you want to get technical."  
  
"Bi--bisexual?"  
  
"Yes, Bisexual. As in not monosexual. As in AC/DC, hitting from either side   
of the plate, swinging both ways, bisexual."  
  
"Bisexual?"  
  
"I've actually been accused of omnisexuality, which means that people think I   
ooze sexuality to inanimate objects, but I don't see it."  
  
"Omnisexual?"  
  
"Well, at least you're parroting a different word."  
  
"Omnisexual? Like... pool cues and swords and water bottles omnisexual?"  
  
"Very good, Clark. I was beginning to think you hadn't noticed."  
  
"Totally not blind here, Lex."  
  
"Could have fooled me. Welcome back to the world of multiple syllables, by   
the way."  
  
"So that's trivial? That you're... what is it... omnisexual?"  
  
"Well, no, I think it's pretty damned important."  
  
"Um... Twilight Zone time here. Um... Lex... what are you doing?"  
  
"I'm proving my omnisexuality by drinking from a water bottle."  
  
"Not necessary."  
  
"You get the picture yet, farmboy?"  
  
"How about exosexual?"  
  
"Exosexual?"  
  
"Yeah. Sexual with an extraterrestrial."  
  
"Something you want to tell me, Clark?"  
  
"Clark Kent Phone Home?"  
  
"Your finger isn't glowing."  
  
"Because I'm not ET, dork. But it's still the same principle."  
  
"Uh huh. You can't phone home without a glowing finger."  
  
"Lex, you're hung up on the glowing finger. How about a glowing dick?"  
  
"It glows?"  
  
"Well, not so far, but hey... I'm open for experimentation?"  
  
"I'm a scientist at heart. Let's go experiment."  
  
THE END 


	2. Trivial 2: The College of Useless XFile...

Title: Trivial 2: The College of Useless X-Files Knowledge  
Author: Kel  
Rating PG for innuendo  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: More Useless Trivia from The X-Files  
  
Notes: For Ghini TyNant. Again. Who is my personal XF trivia goddess.  
  
"Scully's father called her Starbuck."  
  
"After the coffee?"  
  
"No, Clark. After the book. *Moby Dick.*"  
  
"There's a Starbuck's Coffee bar in *Moby Dick?*"  
  
"Clark, you're not that stupid."  
  
"I know, I know. Starbuck was the first mate."  
  
"Very good."  
  
"That's not the only connection, you know."  
  
"Yes, I know. But the question is, do you know?"  
  
"Well, Scully called her father Ahab, Mulder's quest was the Great White   
Whale, and then there was the little yapper dog named Queequeg."  
  
"Who got eaten by a crocodile."  
  
"See! I *told* Chloe you were a closet X-files fanatic!"  
  
"Do you know why Mulder's apartment number is 42?"  
  
"Um... no."  
  
"Because it's the Answer To The Universe."  
  
"What?"  
  
"It's the Answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything. *Hitchhiker's Guide   
To The Galaxy,* by Douglas Adams."  
  
"You're weird, Lex. Just totally weird."  
  
"Says the alien."  
  
"How can 42 be the answer to everything?"  
  
"Read the book, Atticus."  
  
"You've got a thing with people in glasses, don't you, Lex?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Mulder. The guy from To Kill A Mockingbird. Both of them wear those little   
granny glasses."  
  
"Those glasses happen to look nice on David Duchovny."  
  
"Whatever. When I grow up, I'm going to find the ugliest pair of black horn   
rims that I can find, and see if you still have a thing for them."  
  
"Clark, I can't imagine you looking anything less than edible in anything.   
Including black horn-rim glasses with inch-thick lenses."  
  
"I *told* you it was the glasses. You're getting hot just thinking about it."  
  
"How did we get from X-Files trivia to you dissecting my fetishes?"  
  
"Mulder. Glasses."  
  
"Right. I do not have a thing for Mulder glasses. I just happen to think   
they work for him. They're a part of his character."  
  
"Your vehement denial is duly noted."  
  
"Bite me, Clark."  
  
*chomp*  
  
"I didn't mean it literally, farmboy."  
  
"Oops. Sorry."  
  
The End 


	3. Trivial 3: Wagon Train To The Stars

Title: Trivial 3: Wagon Train To The Stars  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PG for innuendo  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: Clark and Lex discuss Star Trek Trivia  
Notes: Wagon Train To The Stars was Gene Roddenberry's inital concept for   
Star Trek. :) Thanks to Ghini TyNant for reminding me it's okay to let the   
inner geek out to play. Thanks also to B, who loves me despite the inner   
geek. :)   
  
Trivial 3: Wagon Train To The Stars  
  
"But I want to watch Star Trek."  
  
"You're not old enough. I'll let you watch it if and only if you can name at   
least one Shakespeare play they used for a title."  
  
"They didn't."  
  
"I beg to differ. Hand me that book. No, the big leather--yeah, that's it."   
*flipping of pages* "Ah, here we go. 'The play's the thing, wherein I'll   
catch the conscience of the king.' Sound familiar, farmboy?"  
  
"Yeah. 'Conscience of the King.' They did Shakespeare in that one."  
  
"And they said you were slow, Clark. They did two plays in there; happen to   
remember the two plays?"  
  
"God, not only are you an X-Phile but you're a Trekker too? Do you know that   
makes you a total geek?"  
  
"So I exercise my inner geek. Answer the question."  
  
"Okay, okay. Geeze. You're lucky my dad likes this stuff. 'Hamlet' was   
one, and 'Macbeth' was the other."  
  
"*Very* good. You got a fifty fifty chance of picking the right play."  
  
"Lex... the next time we go somewhere, I'm making you wear the red shirt."  
  
"Not a chance, Clark. Those guys die first. Always. If one of us is going   
to be a red shirt, it's going to be you. At least you have a better chance   
of not getting phasered, knifed, bitten, poisoned or sucked."  
  
"I don't have a good chance of getting sucked?"  
  
"Mind out of the gutter, Clark."  
  
"But--okay. You never let me have any fun."  
  
"Don't pout, Clark. Jim Kirk never pouted when he didn't get the girl."  
  
"He *always* got the girl. Didn't he ever worry about space AIDS or   
something?"  
  
"And Riker only wished he had Kirk's luck with the women."  
  
"Hey, Riker got laid quite a bit. Well... okay. So not as much as Kirk, but   
still."  
  
"At least Picard had a better arch-enemy."  
  
"Q?"  
  
"Yes. Q is... just wonderful. Sarcastic, powerful, complete and total   
manipulative son of a bitch who in the end is helping Picard whether Baldy   
wants to admit it or not. Though, still, I have to admit... I found the   
concept of a bald man in power very attractive."  
  
"You know, I never thought about that. I just thought Q had the hots for   
Picard. You know, like the whole Spock/Kirk thing."  
  
"Spock/Kirk? And here I thought I'd have to hit you over the head with it."  
  
"Totally not blind like I said before. I'd have to be an idiot to miss that   
whole thing."  
  
"Clark.... God... you will learn yet, my young Padawan."  
  
"I fucking hate that movie, Lex, and if you call me Padawan again, I'll rip   
your balls off."  
  
"You wouldn't. You like my balls where they are."  
  
"Okay. I wouldn't. But still. Call me the P-word again, and you will   
regret it, Baldilocks."  
  
"And my balls?"  
  
"Are safe with me."  
  
THE END..... sort of.   
coming soon.... Trivial 4: Star Wars Edition 


	4. Trivial 4: May The Force Be With You

Title: Trivial 4: May The Force Be With You  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PG for innuendo  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: Star Wars Edition  
  
Trivial 4: May The Force Be With You  
  
"So, Clark... care to tell me what turned you against Star Wars?"  
  
"Two words, Lex. Luke. Skywalker."  
  
"The main character in the trilogy turned you against it?"  
  
"He whined, Lex. He was a whiny spinless little twitsky, just like Obi-Wan in the Phantom Menace. I mean sure, Obi was just jealous that Qui-Gon was giving all his attention to the little carpet rodent, but still. He. whined."  
  
"Obi-Wan did not whine. And wait until you see the second one. You thought Obi was a whiner, he's got nothing compared to Anakin."  
  
"Right. Let me guess, not only does your inner geek like X-Files and Star Trek, he likes Star Wars too?"  
  
"You don't exactly have room to talk about inner geeks, Clark. At least I have an excuse; I'm a scientist and we're expected to be geeks."  
  
"As long as you don't start wearing a pocket protector."  
  
"Not even to my own funeral."  
  
"If you have a light saber hidden around here, I'm leaving you."  
  
"Don't look in the closet."  
  
"You don't."  
  
"Okay, I don't."  
  
"And I suppose you have an Ewok around here somewhere?"  
  
"Did you know that the actor who played Willow Oftgood played Wicket the Ewok?"  
  
"So that's why he got the cameo in Phantom Menace!"  
  
"And they said you couldn't be taught."  
  
"You're getting snarky with me, Lex."  
  
"No, I'm just proud of you. You're letting our inner geeks flourish together."  
  
"I do not have an inner geek."  
  
"Warrior Angel."  
  
"He who lives in a glass mansion should not throw stones at the superpowered alien."  
  
"Are you poking fun at my affection for Warrior Angel?"  
  
"I'm just pointing out that a single comic book addiction does not an inner geek make. Add that to Trekkerishness, X-Philesness, and Star-Wars-additcion, and then you've got a serious geek complex."  
  
"Beware of Geeks bearing gifts?"  
  
"That was *low,* Lex. Even for you."  
  
"Very, very low. But I can go lower, if you like. I could point out the possible Trojan jokes."  
  
"You wouldn't. Because that would be lower. Okay, okay. No more jokes."  
  
"You prefer the obvious lightsaber cracks?"  
  
"And you thought I had *my* mind in the gutter."  
  
"I see your schwartz is as big as mine... now let's see how well you handle it."  
  
"Oh no, Lex. You did *not* just quote Mel Brooks to me."  
  
"Oh yes, Clark. I did just quote Mel Brooks to you."  
  
"I am not some Han-Solo-knockoff."  
  
"No, but you're tall enough and hairy enough to be a Wookie."  
  
"Nerf-herder."  
  
"Who's scruffy-lookin'?"  
  
"I happen to like scruffy."  
  
"Clark, I am physically incapable of growing scruff."  
  
"Yeah, but you can *be* scruffy. Like Han."  
  
"Right. Can I have whatever you're smoking?"  
  
"I'm not smoking anything."  
  
"Right. Clark, sometimes I worry about you."  
  
"Only sometimes?"  
  
The End 


	5. Trivial 5: Pop Rocks and Urban Legends

Title: Pop Rocks and Urban Legends  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PG for innuendo  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: Clark, Lex, Pop Rocks.  
  
For KC and the Sunshine Gang.  
  
"Hm... Hey, Lex, you're a scientist, right?"  
  
"Yes, I am. Why?"  
  
"Well, Chloe told me this story and she swears it's true--"  
  
"You're not actually naieve enough to believe anything she tells you, are you, Clark?"  
  
"Well... she did say that it happened once, like the spontaneous combustion thing!"  
  
"What do you want to try, Clark?"  
  
"Well... she said that if you eat pop rocks--"  
  
"--And drink Coke, your head will explode, right?"  
  
"So you know about it?"  
  
"Clark, it's called an urban legend. Do you know what is?"  
  
"A really bad horror movie? There was this guy in the movie--"  
  
"Clark, focus. Please?"  
  
"Right. Focus. Pop rocks and coke. Urban legends."  
  
"Right. As in it will not happen."  
  
"Have you ever tried it, Lex?"  
  
"No, I can't say as I have."  
  
"So you don't *know.*  
  
"Clark..."  
  
"Please?"  
  
"I can't believe this. Clark, you're sixteen years old, you're giving me wounded puppy eyes, and you want me to help you eat pop rocks and drink Coke."  
  
"Well, yeah. Just in case my head *does* explode."  
  
"Clark... the only head that's going to explode around here is mine."  
  
"Leeeeeeeex...."  
  
"Clark."  
  
"Please?"  
  
"Why I fall for this every time is beyond me."  
  
"So that's yes?"  
  
"Yes, that's yes."  
  
"You are so cool, Lex."  
  
"Only you would think pop rocks and coke are a cool way to spend the afternoon."  
  
"Lex, they are cool. I mean... well, think about it. Someone giving you a blow job with Pop Rocks in their mouth?"  
  
"Are you offering, Clark?"  
  
"Maybe. If my head doesn't explode."  
  
"That will definitely be an interesting blow job."  
  
"You know what would make it better, Lex?"  
  
"I'm almost afraid to ask."  
  
"If you pulled out the special edition DVD of that Urban Legends movie. There's this one scene at the end, a deleted scene, it's got this *really* hot guy doing Kama Sutra sex."  
  
"What makes you think I even have a copy of that movie?"  
  
"Because you've got every other DVD known to mankind."  
  
"So if I give you Pop Rocks, Urban Legends, and Coke, you'll be happy?"  
  
"I will be your devoted slave for the rest of the day."  
  
"Come on, then. There's a DVD player in the lab."  
  
The End 


	6. Trivial 6: Don't Dream It Be It!

Title: Trivial 6: Don't Dream It... Be It!  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PG for Innuendo  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Archive: Knock yourself out  
Summary: The Rocky Horror Picture Show Experience  
  
"You want me to watch what?"  
  
"The Rocky Horror Picture Show. You gotta know what that is."  
  
"Of course I know, Clark. I acted in the floor show. The question is, how do *you* know about it?"  
  
"Chloe. It's like her all-time favorite movies."  
  
"Is there something I should know about Chloe?"  
  
"Floor show?"  
  
"Yes, Floor show. And no, I'm not explaining."  
  
"You're mean to me, Lex."  
  
"This from the boy who teased me with a Pop-Rock laden blow job last night."  
  
"Which you enjoyed, once all the popping stopped and I could suck you properly."  
  
"Until I met you, Clark, I never realized there was a proper way to suck cock.  
  
"Let's leave sucking cock until after the movie, okay? And let's get back to the floor show."  
  
"The floor show. In an empty house? I don't think so, not even for you. And no. The puppy eyes aren't working."  
  
  
"Okay, fine. Sooo..."  
  
"So?"  
  
"So Frank-N-Furter's gay?"  
  
"I'm not discussing a fictional character's sexual preferences with you."  
  
"But Lex!"  
  
"If you can't figure out what he is by watching the movie, I'm not going to tell you."  
  
"I think he's like you."  
  
"Like me?"  
  
"Omnisexual."  
  
"That really turned you on, didn't it, Clark?"  
  
"Especially that little trick you do with the pool cue."  
  
"Clark, do you notice that every conversation we have eventually turns back to sex?"  
  
"Well, why wouldn't it?"  
  
"Because I'm not a hormally crazed horny alien teenager and I'm supposed to have some sort of self control?"  
  
"Self control is highly overrated, Lex. I'm like Frank. Alien, loves guys, loves sex... my hair's not quite so frizzy but you haven't seen me on a day with bad humidity."  
  
"And that right there is enough to flip the libido *off.*"  
  
"Leeeeeeeeeeex!"  
  
The End 


	7. Trivial 7: There Can Be Only One

Title: Trivial 7: There Can Be Only One  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PG for innuendo  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Archive: Knock yourself out  
Summary: Clark, Lex, Immortality  
Notes: Ghini, Amy and KC, you guys are the wind beneath my wings.  
  
Trivial 7: There Can Be Only One  
  
"There Can Be Only One."  
  
"Only one what?"  
  
"Immortal."  
  
"Not Highlander again, Lex!!"  
  
"What? I thought you liked that show."  
  
"I do, just not as much as your inner geek."  
  
"I thought we were giving my inner geek a rest before I made the Trojan jokes. Do you want to hear the Trojan jokes?"  
  
"No! No Trojan jokes!"  
  
"You know, I always did wonder where they hid their swords."  
  
"Yeah, I kinda wondered that too. Though he *did* have that long black coat."  
  
"Clark, how many times do you see MacLeod--and Methos for that matter--in nothing but a sweater and jeans? Where's the sword then? Because I'll tell you, they're kinkier than I am if it's still in their pants. I didn't think cut off things grew back."  
  
"LEX! *So* didn't need that image!"  
  
"For an alien, you're a huge wuss."  
  
"Let's get back to the whole 'There Can Be Only One' thing. Which One are they talking about?"  
  
"Macleod, of course."  
  
"Yeah, but which one. There were two MacLeods. Duncan and Connor."  
  
"Connor, of course. He's the best and really only MacLeod. They just killed him off and gave his Quickening to Duncan so that the series would win in the Highlander world. If you ask me, 'There Can Be Only One' means only one Immortal couple that share the same Quickening or something."  
  
"You're not talking that whole Duncan/Methos thing again, are you? And you thought *I* was obsessed with sex!"  
  
"Clark, come on. They were the World's Gayest Immortals."  
  
"I'm not hearing this, Lex. MacLeod was *married.*"  
  
"And Methos did... whatever it was he did to Cassandra. Just because you like women doesn't mean that you can't love men too. Or if that's true... I know of quite a few people, us included, who are breaking that little unwritten law."  
  
"Well, yeah. But you're you. And I'm an alien. We're allowed to be odd."  
  
"Odd? Are you calling me odd, farmboy?"  
  
"I'm calling you eccentric."  
  
"I am neither odd nor eccentric."  
  
"Just omnisexual."  
  
"You really like that idea don't you? I've got this trick with a pool cue I should show you some time... it's actually how I learned to make a shot."  
  
"Can we start the pool lessons now?"  
  
"Highlander's on." *pause* "I do have the DVDs, you know."  
  
"Okay. So, how do you make a shot?"  
  
"Well... first you have to take your clothes off..."  
  
The End 


	8. Trivial 8: What's Your Sign?

Title: Trivial 8: What's Your Sign?  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PG for innuendo  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Archive: Knock yourself out  
Summary: In Which Clark and Lex discover Everyone's Sign. (I will include the list at the bottom of the fic)  
  
After Sex Comments By Star Signs...  
  
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"  
Taurus: "I'm hungry -- pass the pizza."  
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"  
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"  
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"  
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."  
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."  
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."  
Sagittarius: "Don't call me - I'll call you."  
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"  
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"  
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"   
  
Trivial 8: What's Your Sign  
  
"Lex, check it out. I got this in my email this morning. Ryan sent it to me."  
  
"After Sex Comments By Star Signs... what's a kid his age doing with something like this anyway?"  
  
"Don't know. But check it out... we can figure out what sign everyone is."  
  
"We could also do that by birthday."  
  
"Yeah, but this is more fun."  
  
"All right, all right. Let me see that. Oh, there's you. You're a Taurus."  
  
"Oh yeah. I got that right off. But come on, Lex. It's not my fault I always get hungry. You wear me out."  
  
"That's right, always blame the bald guy."  
  
"And look, there's you. Scorpio."  
  
"I am not Scorpio. I am Sagittarius."  
  
"Oooh, that's cold, Lex."  
  
"Trust me, Clark. You don't know the half of it."  
  
"Okay... moving on... what about... Pete?"  
  
"Pete? Leo. Definitely."  
  
*snickering* "Okay. Yeah. Totally. Chloe?"  
  
"Chloe? Aries. That boundless enthusiasm, the quest for new things..."  
  
"Really? I kinda thought Chloe was a Cancer."  
  
"Trust me, Clark. With the way she looks at you? Cancerian traits are *low* on the priority list."  
  
"Kinda like you look at me?"  
  
"Clark... next."  
  
"Lana."  
  
"Now *there's* your Cancer."  
  
"Nuh-uh. Leo."  
  
"That's... brilliant."  
  
"Thank you. Mom?"  
  
"Your mother is Virgo."  
  
"Damn. You didn't even have to think about that one."  
  
"Next."  
  
"Dad."  
  
"Gemini. No question."  
  
"Lex... you're only saying that cause of the whole Nicodemus thing."  
  
"Next."  
  
"Lionel."  
  
"My father?"  
  
"Only Lionel we know."  
  
"Pisces."  
  
"Not Capricorn?"  
  
"Pisces, Clark. Trust me. He's fucked over enough people to be a Pisces ten times over, and I bet he doesn't know half their names."  
  
"Is that everyone?"  
  
"Everyone except Chloe's father."  
  
"Oh, Mr. Sullivan? Yeah, okay. What's Mr. Sullivan?"  
  
"He's a Libra."  
  
"Weird. Cause I think he really *is.*"  
  
"I'm good."  
  
"Yes, you are."  
  
"Want to go play Scorpio and Taurus?"  
  
"Shame on you, Clark. If you want to get laid, all you have to do is say so."  
  
"I want to get laid, Lex."  
  
"Far be it from me to stand in the way. I should have Ryan send you forwards more often if it gets you horny like this."  
  
"I'm always horny, Lex. At least where you're concerned. Although... there is the matter of the Naked Spike..."  
  
"... Naked Spike? Clark... we *will* come back to that later."  
  
The End  
Coming up... Harley Davidsons, Bunnies, and Naked Spikes, oh my! 


	9. Trivial 9: Bunny Slayers

Title: Trivial 9: Bunny Slayers  
Author: Kel  
Rating: R for language and innuendo  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Archive: Knock yourself out  
Notes: For Amy, Ghini, KC, and Kitura.   
  
"Clark?"  
  
"Huh? Yeah?"  
  
"I thought there was only supposed to be one slayer?"  
  
"There is. Buffy."  
  
"Right. Okay... Faith?"  
  
"Oh yeah. There's a cool story behind that."  
  
"Which you will share, right?"  
  
"Right. See, Slayers are like the whole Highlander thing. There Can Be Only One True Slayer. Anyway, Buffy is *the* Slayer. Only... she died. The Master--Master Vamp--killed her. She was only dead for a few minutes or whatever, cause Xander did CPR and brought her back to life. But, since she was dead, there was a new slayer."  
  
"And that new slayer would be Faith."  
  
"Um, no. The first New Slayer was Kendra."  
  
"Kendra? Who? I'm confused, Clark, and that takes a *lot.*"  
  
"You're easy to confuse, Lex. You just never pay attention to the shows. Anyway, the new Slayer was Kendra."  
  
"Let me guess... she died, and that's when Faith showed up?"  
  
"Right! Drusilla slit Kendra's throat, and Faith is the Slayer that replaces Kendra."  
  
"As The Bloodsucking World Turns. Christ, Clark, how can you watch this?"  
  
"Like X-Files is any better... Death of The Week here, Lex. Besides, it's funny. There's one girl on here... Anya... afraid of bunnies. Totally afraid of bunnies. A wish-granting demon, but she's afraid of bunnies."  
  
"Bunnies? Afraid of bunnies?"   
  
"Yes, bunnies. Bunnies can be scary."  
  
"Especially if you're a head of lettuce or organic produce."  
  
"Come on. Forget the bunnies. Let's get back to the girls."  
  
"Girls?"  
  
"Yes, Girls. So... what do you think of Faith and Chloe?"   
  
"Chloe? And Faith? Clark.... is there... never mind."  
  
"Come on! I mean, you've got to have noticed they'relike the perfect couple."  
  
"I rather thought Chloe would have gone with Buffy."  
  
"Are you kidding me? Chloe would hate Buffy. They'd stake each other in like a second."  
  
"And this is a bad thing?"  
  
"Lex!"  
  
"Clark..."  
  
"Fine fine fine. What about Spike then? Don't you like Spike? EVERYBODY likes Spike."  
  
"He's..."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Less irritating than the rest of the cast."  
  
"Lex!!"  
  
"You asked, Clark."  
  
"You've gotta like Spike. Everyone likes Spike."  
  
"You said that already. And no, I don't have to like Spike."  
  
"Yes, you do! He's hot!"  
  
"So you have a thing for bleached blonde vampires with cheekbones more pronounced than your own. Nice to know, that. I'll jot that down on my Christmas list."  
  
"Uh oh."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You're pissy."  
  
"I am not pissy. I merely fail to see the... whatever."  
  
"The whatever is called 'hot sex on a stick' appeal."  
  
"Right."  
  
"Lex... c'mon, don't storm out."  
  
"I'm sorry, Clark. I just have no interest in watching you drool over this... vampire."  
  
"Lex. Come on. Television. Not real."  
  
"Boyfriend. Doesn't need to hear how hot he's not compared to a blonde bloodsucker."  
  
"Did I say you were not hot?"  
  
"Not in so many words, no."  
  
"Did I say Spike was hotter than you?"  
  
"Clark..."  
  
"Lex. Yours is the only cock going up my ass right now, all right? Only one that I want. He might be hot, but I love you."  
  
"You realize this doesn't make me like this show any better."  
  
"I know."  
  
"And Clark..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I love you, too."  
  
The End. 


	10. Trivial 10: American Heavy Metal

Title: Trivial 10: American Heavy Metal  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PG for innuendo  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Archive: Knock yourself out  
Summary: Clark, Lex, motorcycles  
  
Notes: Chrissie the Rogue for the idea, Ghini & KC for audiencing.  
  
  
"Get your motor runnin.... get out on the high-- hey! You cut off my music!"  
  
"Oh. Is that what it was?"  
  
"Leeeeeex..."  
  
"Clark, it's music when you listen to it. It's painful when you sing it."  
  
"Meanie. I sing just fine."  
  
"Clark, there is a reason why the artist is paid and you're not. Namely, they do it better."  
  
"God, you sound like my Dad. 'Son, hearing it once is enough.' He says that *all* the time."  
  
"God forbid that I should sound like Jonathan Kent."  
  
"Hey! That's my dad."  
  
"Who hates my guts for no reason other than my last name. I'm allowed."  
  
"Okay, okay. Geeze. You'd think the two of you would figure out you got one thing in common."  
  
"And what, pray tell, is that?"  
  
"You both hate your father."  
  
"And we both love you."  
  
"Aw... yeah, that too."  
  
"If you're going to listen to that god-awful music, follow me."  
  
"Where are we going?"  
  
"Only one way to find out, farmboy. Come on, chop-chop."  
  
"Right, right. Oh, Wow. Wow. Lex. That's a... that's..."  
  
"A motorcycle."  
  
"A motorcycle!!"  
  
"Yes, it is. And this is a helmet. And these are the keys."  
  
"Helmet!! Keys!! You... you can... oh man!"  
  
"Do you even know what you're riding, Clark?"  
  
"2002 Harley Davidson Dyna Wide-Glide in Royal Purple and chrome with a high back saddle and a V-twin engine."  
  
"Very good, my young Pad--apprentice. You're learning. Who taught you the appreciation?"  
  
"My Dad. He loves motorcycles; he's got an old Indian that he keeps working on and rebuilding. So that's a third thing you two have in common."  
  
"I don't think I'll quite be bonding with Jonathan anytime soon, Clark."  
  
"This is a beautiful machine."  
  
"Friends don't let friends drive riceburners, Clark. Remember that. Put your helmet on."  
  
"That's mean, Lex."  
  
"And it's also true."  
  
"Well... I didn't say it wasn't true, just that it was mean."  
  
"Clark... Harley Davidsons are works of art. They're pure American heavy metal, and despite the import bikes, the only one you will ever see me riding. I own a Ducati, I own several other upscale bikes, I was even given a Honda Goldwing once, but Harley-Davidson is an addiction, my friend. It gets in your blood, and it just will not let you go."  
  
"You know something, Lex?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You're sexy when you talk about your motorcycles."  
  
"Oh, you think so? Sure it's not just all the leather talking?"  
  
"Well... it could be."  
  
"Leather's a part of the whole experience."  
  
"Lex..."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"We're riding a bike, not having sex."  
  
"Heathen. A good ride is better than sex."  
  
"Loaded statement, Lex. A ride is a ride, whether it's on the bike or... elsewhere."  
  
"Trust me, a ride on a Harley is like nothing else."  
  
"Lex?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Show me?"  
  
THE END 


	11. Trivial 11: Big Mouth Billy Bass

Title: Trivial 11: Big Mouth Billy Bass  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Lex/Clark  
Rating: PG for innuendo  
Summary: Clark, Lex, Big Mouth Billy Bass  
  
Notes: The same guilty parties as always. KC & Ghini  
  
"Clark, why is there a box sitting on my desk?"  
  
"Because I got you a present."  
  
"The occasion?"  
  
"Does there have to be one? I saw it when I was out in the mall today, and I bought it cause it made me laugh thinking of you when you see it."  
  
"You don't have to buy me things, Clark."  
  
"Will you shut up and just open it already? Geeze, it's not like I bought you a truck."  
  
"It's... a fish."  
  
"It's a bass."  
  
"I gathered that. Big Mouth Billy Bass."  
  
"Yeah! And he sings too. Check it out."  
  
*Take me to the river...*  
  
"I'm... without words, Clark."  
  
"Is that a good thing, Lex?"  
  
"Yes, it's definitely a good thing. The words I could say... are escaping me."  
  
"I told you. I knew it'd surprise you. I just didn't imagine you speechless. I saw you doing the whole roadkill thing."  
  
"Roadkill thing?"  
  
"Yeah, roadkill thing. You get this look on your face sometimes when people give you things or get too close to you, and it looks like you're holding week-old roadkill in your hand because of the way your mouth quirks up."  
  
"Again, I have no words."  
  
"Wow. I could definitely live with speechless."  
  
"You... amaze me, Clark."  
  
"Yeah, I'm just an amazing kind of guy. So, where are you putting Billy?"  
  
"The coat--I mean, the wall behind my desk?"  
  
"Yeah! Liven the office up. Plus... check out the switch. You can make it play whenever you want to."  
  
"I'm sure that I will. Clark... you realize a fish doesn't exactly match the rest of my decor..."  
  
"So be daring. Dare to accessorize."  
  
"You've been watching Trading Spaces again, haven't you?"  
  
"Oh yeah."  
  
"That does it. No more HGTV for you."  
  
The End 


	12. Trivial 12: Fatherly Discourse

Title: Trivial 12: Fatherly Discourse  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Rating: PG  
Summary: Lionel, Lex, Big Mouth Billy Bass  
  
Notes: KC & Ghini. Again. Blame them, not me.  
  
"Lex! Playing around again, I see. Pretending to be a business mogul."  
  
"Hello, Dad. Nice to see you. What's the occasion?"  
  
"I just got the quarterly numbers--"  
  
*Take me to the river... down into the water...*  
  
"Lex... what in the... name of God is that?"  
  
"Oh, this? Dad, meet Billy. Billy, this is Dad."  
  
"Billy? What is this nonsense, Lex?"  
  
"This is my new office decoration. I'm going to hang it behind my desk. I find the music rather... amusing, when played in the right places."  
  
"You are not going to hang that fish in this office, son."  
  
"Watch me, Dad. This is my office, and this is a gift from my friend Clark."  
  
"That boy has clouded your mind, Lex. Have you taken leave of your senses, hanging an atrocity like that--"  
  
*Take me to the river...*  
  
"Sorry, Dad. I couldn't hear you over Billy's singing."  
  
"Lex, I demand you take that thing down this--"  
  
*Take me to the river...*  
  
"Alexander!"  
  
"Did you say something, Dad?"  
  
The End 


	13. Trivial 13: From Mass Media To Bizarre ...

Title: Trivial 13: From Mass Media to Bizzare Idioms  
Author: Kel  
Rating: Um... probably back to R for the language and such  
Pairing: Clark/Lex, and a little naked Spike thrown in for fun  
Summary: In Which Clark Learns To Take Lex Literally  
  
Notes: For amy who *hearts* Jealous!Lex, for Kitura who originated fuck me running, and for the rest of the Sunshine Gang who is plotting out how Naked!Spike leads to Jealous!Lex.  
  
  
"They're singing."  
  
"Of course they're singing. It's a musical."  
  
"A musical. About vampires."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Remind me again why I'm watching this?"  
  
"Because I asked you to."  
  
"And remind me why I said yes?"  
  
"Because you love me."  
  
"Yes, I do. But that should save me from this, not subject me to it."  
  
"Just shut up and watch. You'll enjoy it."  
  
"How much is Spike in this episode?"  
  
"He's a fairly main character, Lex. He's always going to be in the show."  
  
"Does he sing?"  
  
"Of course! He's got the best song on the entire show!"  
  
"Ah. I should have known. Excuse me."  
  
"Lex..."  
  
"Ow! Goddammit and fuck me running I hate this show!"  
  
"Can I really?"  
  
"Can you *what?*"  
  
"Fuck you running."  
  
"Oh, piss off."  
  
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on."  
  
"Why Clark, I didn't know you were into water sports."  
  
"Kiss my ass, Lex."  
  
"Bend over."  
  
"Fuck you."  
  
"Does that mean you want me to bend over instead?"  
  
"How about bite me?"  
  
"Any preference as to where?"  
  
"Actually yeah. I think the saying is, 'bite my ass'."  
  
"Back to your ass... do you have some sort of anal fixation that I should know about?"  
  
"I got your anal fixation *right* here."  
  
"You know, that really needs to be lubed before it can go where you're thinking, Clark."  
  
"Oh, just shut up and blow me."  
  
"Gladly."  
  
"Lex!"  
  
The End 


	14. Trivial 14: Heightened Senses

Title: Trivial 14: Heightened Senses  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Rating: PG for language  
  
For Rogue and Shadowspun, who both asked me "So when are you going to do one for "The Sentinel?" Well... here it is.  
  
Trivial 14: Heightened Senses  
  
"What are you watching now?"  
  
"It's a cop show."  
  
"No cop I've ever seen has hair like that."  
  
"That's cause he's not a cop."  
  
"You just said this was a cop show."  
  
"It is. They're all cops but him."  
  
"Okay, would you like to start from the beginning and tell me what this is about?"  
  
"Promise you won't get all pissy like you did over naked Spike?"  
  
"I promise."  
  
"Okay. There's this one cop--Ellison--"  
  
"That would be the one without all the hair."  
  
"Right!"  
  
"He's... not bad."  
  
"Wait, whoa, you think *that* is sexy, but you don't like naked Spike?"  
  
"Spike is nothing. This, Clark... this is a true specimen of manhood. From the functional haircut to the body to the cut abs to the... oh, are those black silk boxers?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"You see? True manhood, right there. So what's his special story, and why's he living with Hairy Guy?"  
  
"Hairy Guy is named Blair Sandburg. And they're lovers, only they don't show that on television. The TV reason why they live together is because Jim--Ellison, your sexy cop guy--is a Sentinel, which is someone with all five senses heightened. And Blair--Hairy Guy--is the only person in the world pretty much who knows about Sentinels, so he and Jim hook up."  
  
"So why are they sleeping in separate rooms?"  
  
"Because I told you, they don't show that on television."  
  
"So how do you know?"  
  
"Come on. What guy would get in another guy's personal space like that on a regular basis without screwing his friend into the middle of next week?"  
  
"Me?"  
  
"And you *did* screw me into the middle of next week, Lex. And you *still* do for that matter."  
  
"Point taken. So how do you know they're lovers?"  
  
"There's a beautiful thing called the internet, Lex."  
  
"And somewhere on the internet it shows that these two are lovers?"  
  
"Oh, everywhere. There's like hundreds of stories. There's archives and webpages all over the internet."  
  
"Is that where you learned that interesting little trick with your tongue?"  
  
"Well... yeah. Cause you know... Jim's sensitive. Blair has to be creative sometimes."  
  
"Indulge me, Clark. Stop licking my ear and let me finish the show. Then you can show me what else you've learned from Blair."  
  
"You don't like me licking your ear?"  
  
"Not when I'm trying to watch television."  
  
"You're not watching the show, you're watching Ellison's bare chest."  
  
"If you get to fantasize about naked Spike, then the least you can do is let me watch my cop show in peace."  
  
"*Your* cop show?"  
  
"Yes, Clark, my cop show."  
  
"Fine, be that way. There's a couple of girls that have killer websites out there, I'll just go read and learn a few new tricks. That I won't share with you."  
  
"And whom exactly will you be sharing these tricks with?"  
  
"Someone who's not getting a tent in his pants for an over-the-hill cop."  
  
"Careful, Clark, green is not your color."  
  
"Oh, fuck you very much."  
  
"Hold that thought."  
  
"Bite me, Lex."  
  
"Clark, stop it."  
  
"You're the one who started this, Lex."  
  
"Yes, but I'm not the one acting like a five year old child. Sit down and watch your show. If I can tolerate naked Spike, then you can tolerate Jim Ellison."  
  
"I have tapes of all the shows. Got them from a tape tree off the internet."  
  
"And you're going to let me watch them?"  
  
"Yeah, if you want. I mean, they're not Buffy, but... you know, they're pretty good. No vampires, no mutants, just real life criminals."  
  
"So how does the show end? Do they get together?"  
  
"No, but Blair's mom ends up leaking Blair's dissertation on Sentinels and it gets out that Jim is one, and so to protect Jim's reputation, Blair says that his entire dissertation was faked and a phony, and then nobody believes that Jim is a supercop anymore."  
  
"That's... a lot to give up for your friend."  
  
"Some people would do anything to protect their friends. A friend of mine once told me that."  
  
"Clark?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I do love you."  
  
"I know, Lex."  
  
The End. 


	15. Trivial 15: Sulphur and Seraphim

Title: Trivial 15: Sulphur and Seraphim  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PG-13?  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: In Which Clark and Lex Discover "Brimstone"  
  
Notes: Penemuel and Alex. ;) Here's to you.  
  
  
"Lex, did you ever realize that your dad looks like Satan?"  
  
"Well, it wouldn't surprise me a bit. In fact, I've thought he was Satan more than once in my life."  
  
"And that doesn't frighten you?"  
  
"I actually like being thought of as the Prince of Darkness. Reputation to live up to and all that."  
  
"You and your reputation. Do you, like, get *off* on people thinking you're an asshole?"  
  
"I might as well; they think it anyway."  
  
"Well, at least it means I get to sleep with royalty."  
  
"I knew you were only interested in me for my title."  
  
"Title?"   
  
"Prince of Darkness. Son of Satan, Heir to the Nine Circles of Hell?"  
  
"Isn't that Dante?"  
  
"Picky picky."  
  
"You know, they should have made Satan the star of the show."  
  
"Yes, I know. But we can't exactly have a show on national television glorifying Satan. That would be like putting my father on Sesame Street."  
  
"The thought of Lionel Luthor as a Muppet is frightening, Lex. If I have nightmares tonight, it's your fault."  
  
"I'll hold your hand and kiss you through them."  
  
"That's sweet of you."  
  
"My pleasure."  
  
"You know... that's seriously one Satan I wouldn't mind selling my soul to."  
  
*blink* "Clark... do you have issues with my father that I should know about?"  
  
"Ick! Ewww! Lex!! That's just... God! Disgusting!"  
  
"You're telling me. That's the one image I could have done without; my lover lusting after my father."  
  
"LEX!!!! That's... oh just SICK! Yuck! No way in fuck!"  
  
"At least that's one thing we're in agreement on. I wouldn't want to fuck my father either. Or yours for that matter."  
  
"*SO* didn't need that image!!!!"  
  
"You know, don't you, that those soda stains will be a bitch to get out of the carpet."  
  
"You're the one who made me spew it through my nose in the first place!!"  
  
"Forget ruling the world when I'm thirty; if I can make a sixteen year old spew Coke out his nose, then I've done well with my life."  
  
"Go to hell, Lex! That *burns* coming up through your nostrils like that!"  
  
"Well, at least I'll have a familiar face down there to keep me company. Dear old Dad."  
  
"You know, your father really *isn't* Satan."  
  
"Hello? My Father? Lionel Luthor? Hellspawned of the Ninth Circle? Care to change your story, Clark?"  
  
"Okay, okay. So maybe he *is* Satan."  
  
"That means penthouse suite. Maybe Hell won't be so bad after all. Premiere accomodations and all that."  
  
"Lex?"  
  
"Could we not talk about you going to Hell? because that's just... disturbing. The thought of having to deal with your dad 24/7 as the Supreme Ruler of Hell is a little more than I want to contemplate."  
  
"Well... there is that. So what are we contemplating instead?"  
  
"How hot Satan looks?"  
  
"Again I must ask you, Clark... Lionel issues?"  
  
"Ick, eww, and gross, man. Okay. No more Satan cracks."  
  
"Thank you. I don't need my father's image intruding on my libido."  
  
"You could always play Billy Bass. That shut him up the other day."  
  
"Saw that, did you?"  
  
"Totally classic, man."  
  
"Clark... if you say one more thing about my father, I'm going to have to hurt you. Badly."  
  
"Your f--"  
  
The End 


	16. Trivial 16: Gryffindor, Slytherin and T...

Title: Trivial 16: Griffyndor, Slytherin and Twincest, Oh My  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Rating: PG  
Summary: In Which Clark and Lex Discover Harry Potter  
Archive: Knock yourself out  
  
For PJC and Amy  
  
"Lex! Look what I found in your library!"  
  
"They're books, Clark. I'm not surprised you found books in my library."  
  
"They're *not* just books. They're *Harry* *Potter.*"  
  
"And I just know there's a point to you plunking those books down on my desk like this."  
  
"You read Harry Potter?"  
  
"Don't sound so accusatory, Clark. I happen to enjoy those books."  
  
"Well, so do I, but that's not the point! You are not allowed to read Harry Potter! You're... too old!"  
  
"Since when is there an age limit on reading, Clark? Besides, in case you hadn't picked up on this, there's a bit of an adult undertone to the books, and I'm not talking You-Know-Who."  
  
"You mean Harry and Draco?"  
  
"No. I mean Harry and Ron. I can't believe you mean Harry and Draco."  
  
"Whaddya mean, Harry and *Ron?*"  
  
"Well, face it, Clark. In *Goblet of Fire,* Ron was the thing that Harry treasured the most. Even over that insufferable Hermione."  
  
"Y'know, I did wonder about that..."  
  
"There, you see? Near-canonical basis."  
  
"Near-WHATical basis?"  
  
"Canonical. Canon. The set of incontrovertible facts presented by the author of a book or of a television show, facts that cannot be interpreted another way."  
  
"Excuse me while I get my Lex-speak Dictionary out."  
  
"Ha ha, Clark. So what's your argument for Harry and Draco?"  
  
"Harry and Draco. Supposedly hate each other, right? But they're *always* in each other's faces. They can't leave each other alone. And come on... something *that* extreme has gotta have something else going for it."  
  
"So you think that most bitter rivals actually hold their opposition in high affection, and that's why everything is so intense between them? That's... an interesting proposition."  
  
"Why do I think this conversation just took a turn into left field and I have *no* idea what you're talking about?"  
  
"Don't worry, Clark. Just random musings. Nothing you should worry about."  
  
"Uh huh. Harry and Ron, huh?"  
  
"Yes, Harry and Ron."  
  
"Nothing to do with two other best friends, right? Total coincidence."  
  
"Absolutely."  
  
"I think you're jerking my chain, Lex."  
  
"I think I'd like to be jerking something else. Although, there's one relationship you haven't considered that you maybe should."  
  
"You can jerk anything you want to. And wait what where? Don't tell me Harry/Snape, because I'll just... no. No way, no how."  
  
"No no no. Snape is a personal favorite of mine, yes, but I prefer thinking of Snape and Sirius. No, what I was thinking of was Fred and George."  
  
"The WEASLEY TWINS??"  
  
"You don't have to shout, Clark. I'm right here."  
  
"That's... that's... that's..."  
  
"Incest. Twincest, actually, if you want to think about it."  
  
"I DON'T!!!!"  
  
"You can't tell me you didn't see that.  
  
"LEX!!!"  
  
"All right, all right. I'll stick with Harry and Ron. But just think of the mental images. I'm... rather partial to redheads, for obvious reasons."  
  
"...redheads?"  
  
"Yes, the Weasleys are redheads, remember?"  
  
"That's still sick."  
  
"But very picturesque."  
  
"I'm not hearing you, Lex."  
  
The End 


	17. Trivial 17: Good 'Ol Boys

Title: Trivial 17: Good 'Ol Boys  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Lex/Clark  
Rating: PG-13ish  
Archive: Knock yourself out  
Summary: In Which Lex And Clark Discover Dukes of Hazzard  
  
"Clark, what is that God-awful music you're humming along to?"  
  
"Good 'Ol Boys by Waylon Jennings."  
  
"Dear God, Clark."  
  
"What?  
  
"What? My dad listens to this song all the time."  
  
"Why doesn't this surprise me?"  
  
"I don't get it. What's wrong with Waylon Jennings."  
  
"Nothing is wrong with Waylon Jennings. I'm sure there's one of his CDs laying around this mausoleum, though it would certainly not be my first choice. However, do you *realize* what show that song comes from?"  
  
"Well, yeah. Duh. Dukes of Hazzard. They *are* the good 'ol boys in the song."  
  
"Right. And do you realize how impossibly *bad* that show is?"  
  
"Dad likes it."  
  
"If your father jumped off the barn roof, would you jump with him?"  
  
"Are you saying I have no taste?"  
  
"No, you taste rather good. I am saying that this show is impossibly, unbelievably, and intolerably *bad.*"  
  
"It's not that bad."  
  
"Clark, a *car* is one of the main characters."  
  
"Yes, the General Lee."  
  
"If you start spouting off the stats of the car, I will seriously leave you."  
  
"1969 Dodge Charger chassis with a 426 Hemi and dual--"  
  
"CLARK. Please."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You're shattering my illusions here. I never thought you were a redneck."  
  
"You can take the boy out of the farm--"  
  
"But not the farm out of the boy. Yes, so I've heard."  
  
"Lex, sit down and watch it. You're the one into twincest, right? Okay. Check out Bo and Luke Duke."  
  
"Clark, I am incapable of considering Bo Duke for anything sexual because that is *disturbingly* close to picturing your father, and that is a road I really, really, *really* do not wish to go down."  
  
"Eewwww!!!! Gross!!!! And okay. I totally get the whole Satan thing from a few days ago. No fucking way! That's my dad, and that's just... no way. God! Lex! I'm going to kick your ass! That's just... God! Now I can't read!"  
  
"Read?"  
  
"Yes!! There was a whole bunch of stories I had bookmarked for Bo/Luke and now it's my Dad and just ICK!!!!"  
  
"You're... reading. Pornography?"  
  
"Well, I *was* until you put that image in my head!! Eww!!"  
  
"Clark, I am going to have to monitor your internet time. You seem to finding the most interesting sites."  
  
"Oh, just bite me!!"  
  
*chomp*  
  
End 


	18. Trivial 18: The Dating Game

Title: Trivial 18: Dating Game  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Rating: PG  
Summary: In Which Clark Tells Chloe About His Relationship With Lex.  
Archive: Knock yourself out  
  
Amy, KC, Ghini. Wind Beneath My Wings time again. Totally.  
  
  
  
"Okay, Clark. You and me... you and me have got to talk."  
  
"Hi Chloe. Nice to see you too. My day was fine, thanks for asking."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, right. Fine, hi, how are you, great, me too, thanks. Okay. Bullshit out of the way."  
  
"And what bug is up your ass today, Chloe?"  
  
"I have got to know, Clark."  
  
"Got to know *what?*"  
  
"Are you *totally* clueless?"  
  
"Apparently, because I have no idea what you're talking about."  
  
*smack* "Matchmaking, you twitsky!"  
  
"Matchmaking?"  
  
*smack* "Yes, matchmaking!"  
  
"Will you stop smacking me please??"  
  
"Only if you quit being so obtuse!"  
  
"Obtuse about what?"  
  
*smack* "Clark Kent, if you don't..."  
  
"Yes, Chloe."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"It worked?"  
  
"Totally."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"What, do you need videos?"  
  
"Yes. No! I mean, wow!"  
  
"Kinky, Chloe."  
  
"Clark, if you repeat that, I swear to God..."  
  
"Relax."  
  
"What did it?"  
  
"Hmmm?"  
  
"What worked?"  
  
"What?"  
  
*smack* "Was it the pop rocks? The Rocky Horror Picture Show?"  
  
"Um... actually we were together before all that."  
  
*smack* "WHAT!" *smack smack smack smack smack* "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!"  
  
"Ow! Stop that! It's not like we're exactly advertising it!"  
  
*smack* "You let me waste all that time trying to get the two of you together and you're already together??" *smack*  
  
"You're--ow!! You're cute when you're matchmaking!"  
  
*smack* "Cute??? CUTE??? That's your excuse??? Cute???" *smack*  
  
"Stop smacking me!"  
  
"I should call Pete over here for this."  
  
"Oh no. I am so *not* ready to have this conversation with Pete."  
  
*smack* "So what are you going to do to make it up to me, Clark?"  
  
"Um... work overtime at the Torch?"  
  
"Not even close."  
  
"Well, what do you want?"  
  
"Okay. I want an *exclusive* interview with Lex, and I want real meat, not that crap he shovels out any other time."  
  
"You'll have to take that up with him, Chloe."  
  
"Okay. Fine. Jesus! I'll talk to Lex, but you have SWEAR that you're not going to out me and him in this interview."  
  
"Okay! Done! Thank you!"  
  
"Chloe... I am going to have to hurt you."  
  
"Oh, yeah, right, Smallville's Resident Puffball is going to hurt me. Oooh, I'm so scared."  
  
*tickle*  
  
End 


	19. Trivial 19: On The Ropes

Title: Trivial 19: On The Ropes  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PGish  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Archive: Knock Yourself Out  
Summary: In Which Clark and Lex discover WWE Wrestling.  
  
For Amy, KC, and Ghini.   
  
  
"Clark... please, Dear God. Tell me you're not watching what I think you're watching."  
  
"I'm watching wrestling."  
  
"I am definitely not hearing this."  
  
"What's wrong with wrestling?"  
  
"Where would you like me to start?"  
  
"Okay. So it's a fake, scripted out, testosterone-driven lame-ass male oriented soap opera, but I like it. Besides my--"  
  
"Let me guess. Your father watches it all the time."  
  
"Well, yeah. He got me started on it."  
  
"Clark.. remember that whole Dukes of Hazzard are tasteless thing?"  
  
"Vividly."  
  
"This is worse. To the nth degree."  
  
"Just sit down and watch it."  
  
"Or you'll put me in a headlock?"  
  
"Leeeeeeeeeeeex..."  
  
"No way, Clark. Puppy eyes will *not* work on me in this case. I am *not* watching WWF--"  
  
"WWE. Get the F out."  
  
"What did you just say to me?"  
  
"Get the F out. It's the new slogan. They're not World Wrestling Federation anymore, they're World Wrestling Entertainment."  
  
"I'm frightened that you know this."  
  
"Yeah, they had to change cause of the real WWF. World Wildlife Federation. They were violating some copyright agreement or something."  
  
"Now that's amusing. A multinational corporation like that not checking to see if the logo they've used for the past two decades is copyrighted to someone else. Now that I love."  
  
"You see? You'll love Vince McMahon. He's your kind of businessman."  
  
"Clark, if you start drooling over the wrestlers I will... who in the fuck are they?"  
  
"Oh, them. That's Billy and Chuck. Like, the gayest couple in the WWE. That's their personal stylist, Rico."  
  
"These... these... they're... stylist?"   
  
"Breathe, Lex."  
  
"They're bleached blond himbos."  
  
"That's the general idea, yeah."  
  
"I can hear your brain rotting and turning into ooze as you speak to me."  
  
"My brain is not oozing out my ears."  
  
"It must be mine then. Jesus, how can you watch this?"  
  
"Are you kidding? Wrestling is like the gayest sport ever. I mean, in how many other sports can you feel up a guy's crotch in front of millions and millions of fans and call it part of a wrestling move? I mean come on. Look at the Pedigree. Head. Between. Thighs. Hello, homo much?"  
  
"Clark. Please. No more wrestling."  
  
"But you haven't seen the best part."  
  
"The end credits?"  
  
The End 


	20. Trivial 20: My Long Hair Just Can't Cov...

Title: Trivial 20: My Long Hair Just Can't Cover Up My Red Neck  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PGish  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: In Which Clark and Lex Discover Jeff Foxworthy  
  
Notes: To amy, KC, and Ghini... you love my inner redneck.  
  
  
"Clark. Do you wear your wallet on a chain?"  
  
"Yeah, sometimes."  
  
"Does your family tree fork?"  
  
"I assume so, why?"  
  
"Bear with me, Clark. I'm experimenting."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"Fencing: Olympic event or your best neighbor?"  
  
"Olympic event. Lex, what the hell?"  
  
"I found this series of CDs--I had to buy them for you. Considering your fondness for pickup trucks, WWE wrestling, the Dukes of Hazzard and wearing your wallet on a chain... according to this, you might be a redneck."  
  
"You *just* figured that out?"  
  
"I knew that you were a farmboy, Clark. I just didn't realize your neck was such an alarming shade of red."  
  
"Oh, that's nothing. You should see my Dad."  
  
"Clark, simply because your father is a redneck does not mean that you have to be one. I am cultivating in you appreciations for the finer things."  
  
"Harry Potter twincest?"  
  
"No, Clark. Museums. Art. *Literature.*"  
  
"Gay porn."  
  
"CLARK. Track with me. Please."  
  
"I'm tracking with you just fine, Lex. You think I'm a redneck and I'm laughing my ass off over it while exercising my inner redneck."  
  
"You would."  
  
"Look, it's not the world's worst thing. I just... I find it amusing that Lex Luthor--heir to the LuthorCorp billions and heir to the throne of power--"  
  
"Aren't you being a little theatrical?"  
  
"I'm gay. I'm allowed. As I was saying... I find it amusing that Lex Luthor is dating a redneck. That's all."  
  
"I think I'd rather have you as a redneck than a drama queen, Clark."  
  
"Then I guess that means I have to take back the dress I bought at Fordman's."  
  
"You did *what?*"  
  
"Relax, Lex. I'm jerking your chain. I didn't buy the dress at Fordman's."  
  
"Thank God."  
  
"I bought it at that boutique in Metropolis."  
  
"CLARK!!"  
  
"Gotcha."  
  
End 


	21. Trivial Interlude: Meet The Muses

Title: Trivial Interlude: Meeting The Muses  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Clark/Lex as always  
Rating: PG-13ish for language  
Summary: Have you ever wondered what, exactly, inspires me to write? Meet The Muses. Lex, Clark, Lionel and Whitney.  
  
Notes: Ghini TyNant, I ::heart:: you.  
  
  
"How many of these things has she done now, anyway?"  
  
"Aren't you keeping count?"  
  
"No, that's your job."  
  
"Bite me, farmboy."  
  
"Guys, please. It's bad enough I write it, do I have to listen to it too?"  
  
"Bite me, fangirl."  
  
"Kiss my ass, Lex. You can be replaced, you know. Lionel's waiting just *right* over there."  
  
"You wouldn't dare."  
  
"Try me, Baldilocks."  
  
"You can't talk to Lex like that."  
  
"Buzz off, Superboy. You've got no room to complain. You get laid in almost every fic I write. Sit down, shut up, and look beautiful."  
  
"You know something? You're getting awfully grouchy."  
  
"Well, if a certain bald billionaire hadn't drunk all my latte, I'd have my caffeine fix and I wouldn't *be* Miss Bitchypants."  
  
"Christ, is that all? Clark, here. Go to the store. Buy her some coffee. Hell, buy a whole coffee plantation."  
  
"You can get that in the store?"  
  
"Go!!"  
  
"Yes ma'am! God! Bitch!"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, fuck you very much."  
  
"Now, Kel... don't you know it's not nice to upset the boy toys."  
  
"Now Lionel... go sit down. I'm not ready for you yet. You've yet to make your dastardly appearance. Except for the whole Billy Bass thing."  
  
"Which I have not yet forgiven you for."  
  
"My ass bleeds. Sit."  
  
"Lex is right, you are grouchy."  
  
"SIT, Lionel. Or you don't get laid."  
  
"Um, Kel?"  
  
"What is it, Whit?"  
  
"Um... nothing."  
  
*sigh* "You're ticked off that you haven't gotten action lately. Hold your water, it's coming."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes. You get to screw Clark. Now sit down and occupy Lionel."  
  
"Okay. Wow. Thanks."  
  
"You're welcome. God, now see that? Whitney is a *nice* one. Why can't you *all* be like Whitney? He's easy to please."  
  
"Because we have more discriminating tastes?"  
  
"Lex, stop being mean to Whitney. Jesus, it's like babysitting a bunch of five year olds. Fuck it, I'm going to Tahiti."  
  
"What about your coffee?"  
  
"I'll buy liquor on the plane. Coming, Whit?"  
  
"Why does he get to go?"  
  
"Because he'll be a nice quiet boytoy and not give me a migraine."  
  
"That's not fair."  
  
"Life's not fair. Deal."  
  
The End 


	22. Trivial 21: Reward Your Curiosity

Title: Trivial 21: Reward Your Curiosity  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PG  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: In Which Clark, Lex and Chloe debate the three flavors of Coke; Cherry, Vanilla and Classic.  
Archive: Knock Yourself Out http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=851654  
  
Notes: Penemuel, you inspired this one. Drink. Read. Drink  
  
"God, Lex, how can you be drinking that?"  
  
"It's good. It's... imagine an ice cream float, only without the ice cream."  
  
"Wow, Lex. I can't imagine you ever eating an ice cream float."  
  
"Me either, cause... that's just totally NOT the Luthor image, you know?"  
  
"All right, you two. I suppose you think I was weaned on scotch and Ty Nant?"  
  
"Well, yeah, the thought had crossed my mind, especially the way you--"  
  
"Clark, please. Not in front of Chloe. You don't want to shock her."  
  
"Oh, bite me, Lex. I'll have you know I'm the one who taught Clark how to break through the Net Nanny software; I sincerely doubt there's anything the two of you do that could shock me."  
  
"So that would explain how you found those websites."  
  
"Websites? You're holding out on me, Clark."  
  
"They're just some gay porn sites."  
  
"Give already."  
  
"Later, Chloe. Can we get back to the business at hand?"  
  
"Business at hand? Clark, I didn't know you did exhibitions."  
  
"CHLOE! Focus!"  
  
"Right, right, sorry. And ewww!! Cherry???"  
  
"Yes, cherry."  
  
"God, you're both sick! Lex is drinking vanilla, you're drinking cherry, and they're both just ick! Plain, classic Coke. Good enough for anyone."  
  
"Oh, I don't know, I think cherry can be quite... delicious on occasion."  
  
"Yeah, well, vanilla has it's benefits too."  
  
"Guys?"  
  
"Cherry has the distinct advantage of being the first. Vanilla... is what everyone expects. Plain, boring... vanilla."  
  
"No, no, that's not true. Vanilla is... smooth. Calm. Everybody knows it, everybody's comfortable with it, and it's not a risk. Cherry is new. Cherry is different from the old stuff."  
  
"CLARK!! LEX!!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Do you guys like... discuss anything *other* than your sex life?"  
  
"CHLOE!!"  
  
"Get a life, Clark! You're sitting here spreading it out in front of me, and you think that I'm not catching this undercurrent here? I mean, please... guys... I love you both but... get a room."  
  
"Chloe, wait! Where are you going?"  
  
"I'm going to get a Coke. A plain, old-fashioned, non-sexual-metaphorically-flavored Classic Coke. Please, have this out of your systems and back in your pants when I get back!"  
  
"Chloe?"  
  
"Yes, Lex?"  
  
"Don't you want to watch?"  
  
"LEX!!"  
  
"Good-BYE, Lex. I'll be back in half an hour."  
  
"That should give us enough time."  
  
"Time for what? Oh."  
  
"Yes. Oh. Cherry or vanilla?"  
  
"Cherry."  
  
"My favorite."  
  
End 


	23. Trivial 22: Bodice Ripping 101

Title: Trivial 22: Bodice Ripping 101  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Rating: PGish  
Summary: In Which Clark Discovers Lex's Stash  
Archive: Knock yourself out; http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=851654  
Notes: KC and Ghini cooked it up, Amy demanded it, and who am I to deny? Voila.  
  
  
"Lex!! Look at what I found in your library!!"  
  
"You found books in my library, Clark. Why does that continue to be a source of amazement for you?"  
  
"Because! Look! They're--they're--they're--"  
  
"I think the term you're searching for is 'historical romance.' Or simply, romance."  
  
"Romance novels!"  
  
"You sound indignant, Clark."  
  
"Romance novels???????"  
  
"Yes, romance novels. Clarkie want a cracker?"  
  
"Lex! *Romance* *novels*??"  
  
"You seem to be having trouble grasping this concept."  
  
"But-but--my *mom* reads these... things!"  
  
"They're not things, they're books. LuthorCorp happens to own a publishing house."  
  
"So??"  
  
"I happen to enjoy reading a book where I don't have to think, Clark. You should try it sometime."  
  
"Lex, do you *know* what's in those things?"  
  
"Words? Chapters? Stories full of historical inaccuracies?"  
  
"Sex!"  
  
"Hence the term, romance."  
  
"It's badly written sex!"  
  
"What, you mean your loins have never burned at the sight of my manly spear?"  
  
"I don't own anything that burns or quivers at the sight of anything."  
  
"Quivers? Have you been raiding my stash, Clark?"  
  
"Um... no?"  
  
"Say it again, without the question mark."  
  
"No?"  
  
"You have, haven't you?"  
  
"No?"  
  
"Quivering mounds?"  
  
"Okay!!  
  
"So that's yes?"  
  
"I might have read *one.* But that's it."  
  
"And of course you weren't looking for more."  
  
"No?"  
  
"Which one did you read?"  
  
"Um... the one with the pirate and the bad guy who wasn't the heir to the fortune."  
  
"That only describes about fifteen of these Clark, the plot is less than original."  
  
"He did the thing with the sword hilt--"  
  
"Oh, now that *was* original. This one. So, do you want to play pirate and helpless maiden?"  
  
"Do I have to wear a dress?"  
  
"Of course; how else can I rip open your bodice to expose your heaving--"  
  
"Lex, I don't have those."  
  
"Oh, that's right. But yes, you still have to wear the dress. I've always wanted to be a bodice-ripper."  
  
"Lex! I am not wearing a dress!"  
  
"Your loss, Clark. Unless you want to rip my bodice open instead."  
  
"Now that has possibilities."  
  
"Kinky."  
  
The End 


	24. Trivial 23: On The Phone Again Just Can...

Title: Trivial 23: On The Phone Again... Just Can't Wait To Be On Hold Again...  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Rating: Um... NC-17ish  
Summary: In Which Lex Is On Hold And Clark Entertains Him  
Archive: Knock yourself out; http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=851654  
  
Notes: For Amy and Ghini, who insisted  
  
"Fuck."  
  
"Me?"  
  
"No, not you, Clark. My father."  
  
"You want to fuck your father?"  
  
"Dear God no. That's... has anyone ever told you that you're a sick man, Clark?"  
  
"Only you, Lex. So what's the problem?"  
  
"This music."  
  
"Music? If you want music, turn on the radio."  
  
"Don't be asinine, Clark."  
  
"Ooh, you're trotting out the big words. You're pissed."  
  
"I've been on hold for the last twenty minutes, and it's the most obnoxious muzak ever created and it's setting my teeth on edge."  
  
"So who would dare to put the Great and Powerful Lex Luthor on hold with crappy music?"  
  
"My father. Done deliberately to piss me off."  
  
"Sounds like it's working beautifully."  
  
"Clark, blow me."  
  
"Kiss my ass too."  
  
"No, I'm serious. Come over here and blow me. If I have to be on hold, I might as well get something out of it."  
  
"Nice to know I've fulfilled my life's fantasy to be the sexual plaything of a multibillionaire."  
  
"You say that like there's a problem."  
  
"No, no problem at all. I can practice my striptease."  
  
"Your... striptease? Oh. I um... I'm beginning to adore this music."  
  
"Just wait until you see what I can do in a thong."  
  
"Thong? Is there something I should know about you, Clark? Have you been moonlighting somewhere?"  
  
"Playboy TV. I know what men want."  
  
"Sultry voice... not you, Clark."  
  
"At least I tried."  
  
"Naked looks good on you."  
  
"It does on you too."  
  
"I need those pants."  
  
"Not for this you don't."  
  
"Oh, God. Fuck. Don't... yeah. Okay. Like that."  
  
"Lex?"  
  
"Dad? I'm going to have to put you on hold. Something...ah, something came up."  
  
*click*  
  
End 


	25. Trivial 24: Sticks And Stones May Break...

Title: Trivial 24: Sticks And Stones May Break My Bones...   
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Rating: NC-17 for sex talk  
Summary: In Which Clark And Lex Discover Gay Kinks Together  
Archive: Knock yourself out; can also be found at: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=851654  
  
Notes: Too many people to count, but I'm gonna try. The following people contributed to the delinquency of this bunny... Amy. KC. Ghini TyNant. Alax.   
  
  
"Clark, what are you looking at?"  
  
"Um... nothing?"  
  
"That's a gay porn site."  
  
"Yeah? So?"  
  
"I'm going to have to talk to Chloe about that whole Net-Nanny thing."  
  
"Lex, I'm seventeen."  
  
"Still not old enough to be looking at those kinds of websites."  
  
"Don't tell me you didn't."  
  
"Of course I did."  
  
"So don't be a hypocrite."  
  
"Did I say you couldn't? No. I just pointed out the simple fact that you're too young for these sites."  
  
"It's a *little* late for you to try and protect my virtue here, Lex. I'm technically too young for your dick up my ass, Lex, but I don't see you lecturing me about *that*."  
  
"Believe me, Clark, of all the things I'm interested in protecting about you, your youthful virtue is not one of them."  
  
"I think I've just been insulted."  
  
"Don't think, Clark. Just tell me what you're looking at. Hm... 'Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones But Whips And Chains Excite Me...' Interesting choice of site there, Clark."  
  
"Yeah... well... um..."  
  
"Right. I can just imagine. Whips and Chains, farmboy?"  
  
"Right up there with blowjobs and handcuffs."  
  
"Why, Clark... I never knew you had an inner kink-slut hidden away under that flannel."  
  
"Yeah well... beat me bruise me make me bleed, kinky sex is what I need?"  
  
"Without the question mark, Clark."  
  
"Kinky sex is what I need!!"  
  
"A little louder, I don't think the servants in the kitchens heard you."  
  
"You get into this whole Dom thing, don't you, Lex?"  
  
"Ah, only in absentia."  
  
"Only in who-what-sia?"  
  
"Absentia, Clark. Notice the root word 'absent' as in, not there. In absentia is control when I'm not there."  
  
"We go from whips and chains to word power. Life with you is never dull."  
  
"It wouldn't kill you to expand your vocabulary."  
  
"Yes, Lex, more Lex, right there Lex, just like that Lex, harder Lex, faster Lex... deeper, Lex... I think my vocabulary is properly expanded."  
  
"I'm talking outside the bedroom, Clark."  
  
"Spoilsport."  
  
"At least this conversation isn't degenerating into sex."  
  
"No, no, it pretty much started out that way."  
  
"While we're at it, what are your other kinks, Clark?"  
  
"Well, um, that thing you do with your tongue?"  
  
"It's called rimming, Clark. Tonguefucking. Asslicking. Take your pick."  
  
"LEX!!! Rim--rimming--the R-word, all right?"  
  
"The R-word? You're not five, you know."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, up yours."  
  
"Promises promises."  
  
"Leeeeeeeex!!"  
  
"You're just so much fun to tease. And you're cute when you blush. So go on. Other favorite kinks I should know about?"  
  
"Um... blow jobs. Definitely. Giving blow jobs. And um... you... feet. I love your feet. They're just so... cute. Sucking your toes is fun."  
  
"Good thing I'm not ticklish."  
  
"Yeah. Um... when you get all... bossy."  
  
"Bossy? *Bossy?* The word you are searching for, my innocent young friend, is dominant."  
  
"Yeah. That."  
  
"You can look at pictures of gay men in bondage with toys shoved up their asses, and yet you can't say rimming or dominant."  
  
"If you don't stop making fun of me I won't tell you what my last kink is."  
  
"Last? I can think of at least four other kinks that you haven't told me yet, but please, proceed."  
  
"Bite me. And no, not literally, so don't even."  
  
"Last kink, Clark?"  
  
"I kinda... like that idea you had the other day."  
  
"I have a lot of ideas, Clark. You're going to have to be a little more specific than that."  
  
"The pirate and the maiden one."  
  
"You like role playing. That doesn't surprise me. Let me guess... you like being the pirate?"  
  
"Avast ye scurvy scallion, the wench is mine?"  
  
"I'm not a wench, Clark, but for you... I'll be your damsel in distress any time."  
  
"Can I even tie you up so I can rescue you?"  
  
"You can tie me up and have your wicked way with me if that floats your boat."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Down, boy. Don't you want to know what my kinks are?"  
  
"Underage sex with the delivery boy?"  
  
"No, that's the plotline of a bad porno."  
  
"You mean there are good porn flicks?"  
  
"Well, not exactly. Kinks or not, farmboy?"  
  
"Okay, okay, yes. I'm waiting with bated breath here."  
  
"We both share an affection for tonguefucking."  
  
"My ass knows that and thanks you for it."  
  
"Clark, please. No heckling the supervillian."  
  
"You're not a supervillian. You're not even a criminal mastermind yet."  
  
"Yes, but if you're nice to me, I might wear a mask."  
  
"Ooooh, kinky."  
  
"Says Mr. Surfing Gay Kink Sites. Can I continue?"  
  
"Please!"  
  
"Tonguefucking. In absentia domming--which yes, before you ask, I am going to explain."  
  
"Good, because I've got no clue."  
  
"Imagine this, Clark. You wake up in the morning, and on your pillow, you find two things. A long, thick plastic cock slathered in slick lubricant, and a note on the pillow. From me. Telling you that I expect you to wear this for me all day long. That I will be checking on you during the day, calling you after school and checking to see if you did what I told you or not. You'd be hot and hard all day, because of me. But I'm not there, Clark... only you and your obedience to me."  
  
"Wow. That's... um.... yeah."  
  
"Like that, do you, Clark?"  
  
"Um... yeah."  
  
"I thought you might. Just think of doing your chores like that."  
  
"Lex... I'm really trying not to think of that right now."  
  
"Oh, but I want you to think of it, Clark. I want you to think about it a lot."  
  
"Lex?"  
  
"Yes, Clark?"  
  
"We're going to try all this stuff out, right?"  
  
"Of course we are, Clark. And if you really like the whips and chains... this castle *does* come standard equipped with a dungeon."  
  
"Last one there is a rotten meteor rock."  
  
End 


	26. Trivial 25: The Same Thing We Do Every ...

Title: Trivial 25: The Same Thing We Do Every Night  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PG  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: In Which Clark Discovers That Lex Watches 'Pinky And The Brain'  
Archive: Knock yourself out  
  
Notes: For Amy, who knows what Troz is.  
  
"Lex?"  
  
"In here, Clark."  
  
"Oh, okay. You're... watching cartoons."  
  
"Ah, not *just* cartoons. Pinky and the Brain."  
  
"Pinky and the Brain."  
  
"Narf."  
  
"Okay, that's scary."  
  
"But where will we find burlap this time of night?"  
  
"I always figured you for the Brain."  
  
"Brain, Clark. Not *the* Brain."  
  
"Well, excuse me all to hell."  
  
"Now now, don't get pissy."  
  
"Bite my ass."  
  
"Maybe when the show goes off."  
  
"Pinky and the Brain, Lex?"  
  
"Two lab rats trying to take over the world. What's not to like?"  
  
"Zort."  
  
"Poit."  
  
"Narf."  
  
"Troz!"  
  
"What is Troz?"  
  
"Why, it's 'zort' in the mirror!" *giggle*  
  
"Lex... did you... did you just... giggle?"  
  
"Narf."  
  
"So what are we going to do tonight, Brain?"  
  
"The same thing we do every night, pinky..."  
  
"Screw each other's brains out?"  
  
"Precisely."  
  
"Narf."  
  
The End. 


	27. Trivial 26: The Hills Are Alive With Th...

Title: Trivial 26: The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Silence  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PG13  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: In Which Clark, Lex, and Chloe Discover Jinxing  
  
Notes: Amy, KC, Ghini. As always, the guilty parties.  
Archive: Knock yourself out.  
  
  
"So what are we watching today? Redneck Trailer Decoration?"  
  
"Smartass. I'm just channel surfing."  
  
"Channel surfing, the favored pastime of every red-blooded male on the planet."  
  
"Jerk. I know you channel surf too."  
  
"Yes, but only through the porn channels, Clark. Otherwise, I know what I'm going to watch and I sit down to watch it."  
  
"Okay. Okay. Whatever. I'm not going to argue your television-watching choices. Just sit there, shut up, and yell if you see something fun."  
  
"I don't think your idea of fun and my idea of fun are quite the same thing."  
  
"Well, considering that I don't make watching Discovery Channel a religious experience like you do... no, we don't have the same ideas of fun. But you've got like a *thousand* channels here. There's got to be *something* we can watch togehter and agree on."  
  
"I told you, if they'd put Warrior Angel in the JLA, then I'd watch that."  
  
"Warrior Angel and JLA aren't even in the same universe!"  
  
"Semantics."  
  
"I could make a dirty joke out of that."  
  
"Flip channels, farmboy."  
  
"Yes sir. Oooh, Knight Rider."  
  
"Flip."  
  
"What? I can't believe a car guy like you doesn't like KITT."  
  
"KITT is fine. It's Hasselhoff that I can't stand."  
  
"So that would be why you don't watch Baywatch."  
  
"That, and the fact that boucing fake breasts just don't do it for me, or hadn't you noticed, Clark?"  
  
"But Victoria--"  
  
"Had the fakest of fake. Flip, Clark.  
  
"Okay, okay. Oooh, there's Scooby Doo."  
  
"Flip."  
  
"Powerpuff Girls?"  
  
"Flip."  
  
"Sesame Street."  
  
"Flip."  
  
"Electric Company... Square One... Spiderman!"  
  
"Flip. Flip. Flip. Kill Elmo and keep flipping."  
  
"Grouch. I *like* Elmo."  
  
"Clark, I was one of those people who paid a thousand dollars to have a Tickle-Me-Elmo run over by a steamroller. Flip."  
  
"This is the song, La la la la, Elmo's song..."  
  
"Clark, do not make me have to kill you. Necrophilia isn't nearly as fun as it sounds, and believe me, I have experience."  
  
"Oscar. And that's sick, Lex. Who was the experience, or do I even want to know the dearly departed?"  
  
"She of the fake breast set."  
  
"That's just..."  
  
"Flip, Clark. Or do you have a Muppet fetish I should know about?"  
  
"Geeze. Oh, man. Not Teenage Angst In The Zipcode."  
  
"Not what?"  
  
"Beverly Hills, 90210."  
  
"Lame--" "Lame--"  
  
"Jinx!!"  
  
"Clark, what's--"  
  
"No talking! You can't talk until someone says your name."  
  
*raised eyebrow*  
  
"Okay. You get to Jinx someone when you say the same they do at the same time they said it. Like you and me, we just both said Lame. So I got to Jinx you cause you didn't Jinx me first. And now you can't talk until someone says your name."  
  
*silent Luthor glare.*  
  
"Guess that means Sesame street!!"  
  
*more Luthor glaring*  
  
"Awww, man. Sesame Street's going off. But ooh, look!! Teletubbies!!"  
  
*snatching the remote control*  
  
"Leeeeeeeeeeex! Gimmie the--"  
  
"Aha, farmboy! Gotcha!"  
  
"That's not fair! You tricked me!"  
  
"Deal with it. Ooh, look, CNN."  
  
*snoring noises*  
  
"Ooh, look, a sleeping Clark. I wonder if he's a Tickle-Me-Clark."  
  
"Not even!"  
  
"Oh. I thought you were sleeping."  
  
"Bite me."  
  
"Don't you wish."  
  
"Go back to the teletubbies."  
  
"No. I am not going back to the Teletubbies."  
  
"Pleeeeeeease?"  
  
"No."  
  
"You're being mean to me, Lex."  
  
"Deal."  
  
"Jerk." "I know, I know, Jerk."  
  
"Jinx!" "Jinx, Clark."  
  
*silent staring*  
  
*remote control war*  
  
*flip to CNN*  
  
*staring at the phone*  
  
*more channel surfing*  
  
*doorbell*  
  
*racing to answer*  
  
"Hi, guys. Glad to see you too, and it's wonderful to know I'm wanted."  
  
*gestures to come in*  
  
"Um... okay. Did I like, do something wrong to get this silent treatment?"  
  
*rapid shaking of two heads*  
  
"And so why do I think I hear rattling?"  
  
*indignant look from Clark*  
  
"Um... guys... come on. This is starting to piss me off here."  
  
*pleading looks from two little faces*  
  
*smack to Clark* "Okay, come on, fun's over, spill it."  
  
*glare*  
  
"Come *on* guys, this isn't funny!"  
  
*double glares*  
  
*smack again to Clark* "Come on, Clark, this isn't--"  
  
"THANK YOU, CHLOE!!!!!!"  
  
"L--mmpph!!"  
  
"No! you can't!!!"  
  
"Mh mppfffh mfff? I mean, I can't what?"  
  
"You can't say his name. We were double Jinxed."  
  
*evil glare from Lex.*  
  
"I so wouldn't want to be you, Clark. Not when *he* gets hold of you."  
  
*growl of agreement*  
  
"No way, Chloe. He won't hurt me. I'm too cute."  
  
"I don't know, Clark... that glare is pretty intense."  
  
*another growl*  
  
"Okay... I think I came for this interview at a bad time. Again. First it was you five year olds playing sex games with flavored Coke. Now you're jinxing each other into silent slavery and while I appreciate kink in my friends... I think I'm going to do him a favor."  
  
"Lex--" "Lex--"  
  
"JINX!" *satisfied grin* "Thank you, Chloe."  
  
"You're welcome, Lex."  
  
*glare at Chloe*  
  
"Come on, farmboy... I have a lot better uses for that mouth than just talking."  
  
"Okay guys, not that I wouldn't love to watch that, but you know... virgin eyes and all that. I'm outta here. Thanks for the unjinx, and... God... both of you... grow up!"  
  
"Goodbye, Chloe." *leer* "Come on, my silent little farmboy friend. Have you got some payback coming."  
  
End 


	28. Trivial 27: Rock and Ride

Title: Trivial 27: Rock And Ride!  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PG  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: In Which Clark And Lex Discover 'Biker Mice From Mars'  
Archive: Knock Yourself Out  
  
Notes: For Chrissie the Rogue. :) This is all for you, darlin'. *whistling the BMFM theme song*  
  
Biker Mice On The Net:  
http://www.bikermice.com/menu.html  
  
  
"So what are you watching this time?"  
  
"Biker Mice From Mars."  
  
"Biker... *Mice* From *Mars??*"  
  
"Biker Mice From Mars."  
  
"Lex... have I ever told you that you're weird?"  
  
"On several occasions."  
  
"Right. Still holds true."  
  
"He who lives in glass houses, Clark."  
  
"So what's the show about?"  
  
"Biker Mice from Mars. The title is fairly self explanatory."  
  
"Have I ever told you that you're a smart ass?"  
  
"Every day."  
  
"Still holds true."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"So... plot?"  
  
"Modo, Throttle and Vinnie--they're the Biker Mice--and they land on Earth. Chicago. The bad guys--Plutarkians, they're called--totally destroyed Mars, and our Hero Mice are the ones who got away, and crashed in Chicago. And, like the later Planeteers, they are working to protect Earth from the ravages of the Plutarkians."  
  
"This is making my brain ache."  
  
"You shouldn't make it work like that, Clark."  
  
"Oh, bite me."  
  
"You have this obsession with biting..."  
  
"Can we get back to the Biker Mice thing please?"  
  
"Of course. There's a lineup of Plutarkian bad guys, and the three mice--along with a human mechanic named Charlie--fight evil and save the world while riding very nice choppers."  
  
"Hence... Biker Mice."  
  
"You catch on fast, farmboy. Vinnie--the white one, with the purple bandana and metal face-plate--taught me my first appreciation of big bikes and helmets."  
  
"Purple... color fetish?"  
  
"Wild child. Vinnie's wild, loud, and b-bad to the ear b-bone."  
  
"That's a *very* crappy George Thoroughgood impression."  
  
"I'm impressed that you know who he is."  
  
"Young, not stupid."  
  
"Not saying a word."  
  
"Good. Cause I'd be ticked off if you were making fun of me."  
  
"I wouldn't make fun of you, Clark."  
  
"Good."  
  
"So stop sulking and come watch the cute mice ride their bikes and save the world."  
  
"You and cartoon mice. Do you have Mickey Mouse issues I should know about?"  
  
"I was never allowed to watch Mickey Mouse as a child."  
  
"That would explain this. So... you were a Vinnie?"  
  
"I was a Vinnie. You... you're... Modo."  
  
"Modo? But I like Throttle."  
  
"You can like Throttle all you want to. But you're Modo. Trust me."  
  
"But I wanna be Throttle."  
  
"It's not attractive when you whine."  
  
"I am not whining."  
  
"You're whining, my Padawan."  
  
"Lex!!"  
  
"Okay! Jesus! Sorry."   
  
"I'm still not gonna be Modo. What is it with you and aliens anyway?"  
  
"Clark. Think *very* hard. Why am I revisiting *alien* cartoons from my *teenage* years?"  
  
"Oh. Letting your inner child out to play with your alien boyfriend, hmm?"  
  
"I'm not even going into how disturbing that thought is."  
  
"Okay... so your inner cartoon geek?"  
  
"My inner *teenager,* Clark."  
  
"Lex... it's *not* like your teens were *that* long ago."  
  
"Trust me, Clark. Experience-wise... my teenage years are far behind me."  
  
"See? This is why I like Throttle. He's nice. He's cool. He's not a wild child like Vinnie."  
  
"Clark... you have serious issues, don't you?"  
  
"At least my issues don't involve cartoon mice, motorcycles, and bald alien superheroes."  
  
"You're never going to let me live Warrior Angel down, are you?"  
  
"Not in a million, Lex. That's what boyfriends are for."  
  
"I really hate you, Clark."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
The End. 


	29. Trivial 28: The Best Part of Waking Up

Title: Trivial 28: The Best Part Of Waking Up  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PG  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: In Which Lex Discovers Clark Before Coffee  
Archive: Knock yourself out.  
  
Notes: To Ghini, D, KC, Rogue... and everyone else who can't survive without the morning cup of coffee; let *I'm up, but I don't have to like it!* be our battle cry.  
  
  
"Morning, Clark."  
  
*monosyllabic grunt*  
  
"Someone hasn't had his morning coffee yet, I see."  
  
*flip off*  
  
"You know, I have never managed to figure out how you can be functional as a manual laborer at five in the morning, and yet still be a complete grouch without coffee."  
  
"Dickwad."  
  
"The grumpy bear speaks. Coffee's on the sideboard, and shouldn't you be in school?"  
  
"Workday."  
  
"Am I going to get more than one word out of you this morning?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Clark, it's nearly noon."  
  
"So?"  
  
"You've been awake for what, nearly six hours?"  
  
"So?"  
  
"I should be receiving a more enthusiastic response than mere grunts."  
  
"Coffee."  
  
"I should have realized this disturbing addiction when I found you at the Beanery and the Talon, drinking coffee at nine-thirty at night."  
  
"Fuck off."  
  
"Oh, I got two words. One of the foul, but still... I got two words."  
  
"Give me the coffee and nobody gets hurt."  
  
"Amazing the rejuvenational powers of a simple Colombian coffee bean."  
  
"If you lecture me on coffee this morning, I'm leaving."  
  
"Just thinking that I should have invested in Folgers the way you're sucking that down."  
  
"Bite me."  
  
"Will I taste coffee?"  
  
"Kiss my ass, Mr. Valdez."  
  
"You know how he's always leading an ass around..."  
  
"Don't even go there."  
  
"Well, if I'm Juan Valdez--"  
  
"Do you *want* me to spill hot coffee in your crotch?"  
  
"You wouldn't."  
  
"Try me."  
  
The End 


	30. Trivial 29: By Any Other Name

Title: Trivial 29: By Any Other Name  
Author: Kel  
Rating: R for innuendo  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: In Which Lex and Clark nickname each other  
Archive: Knock yourself out  
  
Notes: To *my* Ghini, because this is oh so damned close to what we went through before settling on *your* nick. :) To Amy for the title, and to Rogue, who started with Baldilocks Rosiebum and the nickname craze simply grew from there.  
  
  
"Lexypoo?"  
  
"*What* did you just call me?"  
  
"Lexypoo."  
  
"No, you didn't. I know you didn't call me that, because I also know you value your life."  
  
"You know how you feel about Padawan? I feel that to the nth degree about Lexypoo. In fact, you speak that name again, and I will be forced to rip your tongue out and have it for dinner."  
  
"Oooookay. No more Lexypoo."  
  
"Clark--"  
  
"All right! How about... Lexiness?"  
  
"Lexiness? As in... His Royal Lexiness?"  
  
"Yeah. Or as in Lexiness personified. You know, like sexiness."  
  
"While I like the royal connotations, I would shoot on sight the first person that called me Lexiness."  
  
"Well, how about Sexy Lexy?"  
  
"Absolutely not, Clark."  
  
"Come on, it rhymes! And it's perfect for you! Because you're... well... you're basically this sexy as hell walking phallic symbol what with the smooth head and the leather and stuff, and... come on. It just *fits!*"  
  
"You're calling me a walking dick?"  
  
"I didn't say *that!*"  
  
"You called me a walking phallic symbol."  
  
"Well... you are. Cause when you walk, you sort of... swagger. Confidently!! And you um... you just... kinda make me think about sex."  
  
"Clark, a stiff breeze makes you think about sex."  
  
"Totally *not* true, Lex. Just you."  
  
"All right. Say I believe that. You're still not calling me Sexy Lexy."  
  
"So... no Lexypoo, no Lexiness, and no Sexy Lexy. Lexikins?"  
  
"Clark, please. Stop while you're ahead."  
  
"But--"  
  
"Clarkbar."  
  
"Clarkbar?"  
  
"Clarkbar."  
  
"I kinda like that."  
  
"You would."  
  
"Ooh! I know! I got one! Sigourney!"  
  
*blink* "Sigourney?"  
  
"Okay, how about Ripley?" *grins like a big dork*  
  
"Ripley? You're going to explain this odd reference, right?"  
  
"What, come on! Alien!"  
  
"Alien?"  
  
"The movie, dork, not me. Sigourney Weaver was Ripley!"  
  
"Right, this much I know."  
  
"Okay then!"  
  
"Still not tracking with you, Clark."  
  
"Look, okay. Ripley was the one in the movie that all the aliens were drooling over and trying to get into."  
  
"So you're naming me after an Alien sex object?"  
  
*pointed glare*  
  
*huge, deep sigh* "All right. I get the point. But I swear to you, Clark... If you *ever* call me Ripley anywhere *other* than the confines of this house, I will have to create ways to hurt you."  
  
"YES!!!!"  
  
"Sit your ass back down, Clarkbar. I'm still deciding yours."  
  
"I thought it was Clarkbar?"  
  
"I'm deciding, Clark. I'm down to Clarkbar, Lamborghini, and TyNant."  
  
"Clarkbar I get, why Lamborghini and TyNant?"  
  
"Lamborghini because you're sleek, smooth, fast, and so much fun to ride in."  
  
*blush*  
  
"TyNant... because you taste oh so good, you're an import, and I love to suck you dry."  
  
*more blushing*  
  
"So you see, Clark... I have options."  
  
*nervous cough* "So?"  
  
"Be quiet and let me think."  
  
*twiddle twiddle scuffle*  
  
"All right, Clark. I've decided."  
  
"Yeah? What?"  
  
"You get them both. Lamborghini TyNant." *leer*  
  
"You can't decide so you're naming me after both?"  
  
"Well... the deciding factor was the fact that I love your stick, like a Lamborghini, but your curves are so much fun to fondle, jus like a TyNant bottle."  
  
"Ripley and Ghini, sitting in a tree, F-U-C-K-I-N-G."  
  
"And out comes the five-year-old."  
  
"Bite me, Ripley."  
  
"Kiss my ass, Ghini."  
  
End 


	31. Trivial Interlude: Muse Intervention

Title: Trivial Interlude: Muse Intervention  
Author: Kel  
Rating: Mostly PG  
Pairing: Not one for this one  
Summary: The Muses Intervene On My Addiction. Featuring Lex, Clark, Lionel, Whitney, and a guest appearance by Martha.  
Archive: Knock yourself out  
  
  
"She's done thirty of them so far."  
  
"It's an addiction, Clark."  
  
"Is it safe to be addicted to something like this?"  
  
"Calm yourself, Whitney."  
  
"Dad, stop being patronizing."  
  
"Lex, chill out."  
  
"Thank you, Whitney."  
  
"Um, guys? Intervention?"  
  
"Thank you, Clark."  
  
"Okay, guys.... what do you want now? I do not have time for this game."  
  
"This isn't a game, Kel. We're concerned about you and your addiction. We're intervening, and we'll get you the help you need."  
  
"Addiction? Help? Rewind... what the fuck are you guys yapping about?"  
  
*puts hand on Kel's shoulder* "It's okay to admit you have a problem."  
  
"Whitney, move the hand or lose it." *jerk back* "Again... what are you yapping about?"  
  
"You're addicted."  
  
"News to me, big daddy."  
  
"Kel, it's okay to admit it."  
  
"Admit what?"  
  
*another hand on shoulder* "That you're addicted to these insane Trivial stories."  
  
*huge gape* "You guys... are intervening because of my addiction to these *stories???* And I thought I didn't have a life."  
  
"Clark, take the keyboard. Whitney, take the diskettes. Dad, go hide the tapes. I'll stay with her through the withdrawal."  
  
"Lex... I don't know what you think you're doing but if you ever have the hope of getting laid again in your lifetime, you're going to take your hands off me right now and give me my computer back."  
  
"I'm sorry, Kel, but I can't do that."  
  
"I hate to call in the big guns but.... MARTHA!!"  
  
"Hey, sweetie. What's going on here, Clark?"  
  
"Martha, they're stealing my computer. They're accusing me of being addicted to the Trivial series, and they're trying to intervene."  
  
"Boys... put the computer back together. Lex... you did the right thing, bringing your concerns up, but you have to realize people have to want help before you can help them. Sweetie, of course you're addicted to these things. But it's a totally innocent addiction."  
  
"See!!"  
  
"That was a rotten trick, calling Mrs. Kent."  
  
"Hey, it worked. Don't knock success."  
  
"Now, Kel, Lex and the others were just worried about your sanity."  
  
"Come on, Martha, we both know that I don't have any."  
  
"Of course not, but you have to give them points for trying."  
  
"Thank you, Martha."  
  
"Behave now, and I'll bring you apple pie later."  
  
"Kel, that was rotten bringing my mom into this."  
  
"Like I said, whatever works."  
  
"Kel--"  
  
"Don't start, big daddy. I have work to do. Shoo, all of you."  
  
"Um, Kel?"  
  
"Yeah, Whit?"  
  
"You really going to be okay?"  
  
"Of course. Now go play, all of you. I have more Trivials to write."  
  
End 


	32. Trivial 30: 100 Of Your Daily Nutrition...

Title: Trivial 30: 100% Of Your Daily Nutritional Requirement  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Lex/Clark  
Rating: PG  
Summary: In Which Lex And Clark Go To The Movies  
Archive: Knock Yourself Out  
  
Notes: For Henry Jones Jr., because he's totally swell. :) Also for Amy because she helped me find out that my fingers really *don't* work as fast as my brain.  
  
  
"Lex?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"I think it's *so* cool that you're taking me out to the movies."  
  
"Calm down, Clark. It's just a movie."  
  
"Yeah, but it's *us* at a *movie.* It's..."  
  
"Not a date."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Can't tell anyone. But hey, I know it and you know it."  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"Popcorn with lots and lots of butter. Um... large Pepsi, Goobers, Raisinettes, and a pack of junior mints."  
  
"Ah, that solves that question."  
  
"What question?"  
  
"Why you're always minty fresh."  
  
*blush*  
  
"How on earth are you going to pack away all that junk? Though I know I should know better than to ask."  
  
"It's not junk."  
  
"Clark, it's nothing but empty calories."  
  
"They are not. Look! The popcorn is a vegetable--made from corn. And look, it's got butter on it, which is made from milk and stuff."  
  
"Clark, it's fluffy kernels of mostly air dipped in melted butter-flavored Crisco."  
  
"That's what you think."  
  
"No, that's what I know. LuthorCorp Manufacturing provides artifically butter-flavored grease to half the movie theaters in the country."  
  
"Then it's your fault I'm eating grease on my popcorn. They used to have real butter."  
  
"All right. I give. I'm not going to argue that with you any longer."  
  
"Good, cause I'm right."  
  
"Right. Can you carry all this?"   
  
"Yeah. Just stuff the mints in my shirt pocket for me, and the candy in my jeans."  
  
"... put my hand down your pants, and I bet I feel nuts..."  
  
"LEX! What the hell are you singing?"  
  
"Hm, me? Oh. The Bad Touch. And before you ask, no. You're not old enough to listen to that CD."  
  
"Hey, Ripley? Bite my ass."  
  
*pinch* "How's that instead, since we're in a public place? And I told you never call me that in public."  
  
"You're not touching my nuts... or my Goobers."  
  
"I don't want your Goobers."  
  
"They're good for you. You get to eat chocolate covered nuts."  
  
"First of all, I can do that any time I want to--I have you and a bottle of Hershey's Syrup. Second... that can't possibly be good for you."  
  
"Uh huh. Peanuts provide protein and energy and stuff."  
  
"And I suppose the raisins in the Raisinettes round out your food groups as fruit?"  
  
"You got it. Veggie popcorn, meaty proteiny nuts--"  
  
"Which sounds wrong on *many* levels."  
  
"Fruity Raisinettes, and the added bonus of chocolate for dessert, followed by after-dinner mints."  
  
"Clark... you are thoroughly, thoroughly odd."  
  
"But you love me anyway."  
  
"Yes, I do."  
  
"So what are we going to see?"  
  
"Men in Black 2."  
  
"Oh man. Way cool. I always wonder if I'm going to get hooked up with the MiB."  
  
*deep sigh* "Fictional conspiracy."  
  
"Well, yeah, but..."  
  
"Don't make me have to hurt you... Ghini."  
  
"You won't hurt me. I'm too cute."  
  
"No, I won't hurt you because trying to hurt YOU usually ends up hurting ME. I nearly broke my toe the last time I kicked you."  
  
"Yeah, but the foot rub and toe sucking you got made up for it, right?"  
  
"There was toe sucking? That's right, there was. Yes, yes, I admit... that did make up for it... almost."  
  
"So kick me again, make yourself feel better, and when we get back home, I'll suck your toes again and make them feel better."  
  
"Now that's a possibility... but you're hung up on my toes."  
  
"They're cute toes."  
  
"Go! Christ. I can't believe I'm feeding you all this sugar. By the time the movie is over, I'll be peeling you off the ceiling."  
  
"Nope. Just off you, Lex. Just off you."  
  
The End 


	33. Trivial 31: The Way To A Kent Heart

Title: Trivial 31: The Way To A Kent Heart...  
Author: Kel  
Rating: Um... R-ish  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: In Which Clark And Lex see Jonathan  
Archive: Knock Yourself Out  
  
Notes: For Everyone who asked for a repeat appearance of BMBB. For Rogue, who had me dying with her filks when BMBB made his first appearance.  
  
  
"Hell-o? Clark? You around? Guy at the door said--oh. There you are. Son. Lex."  
  
"Hey, Dad."  
  
"Mr. Kent."  
  
"Clark, your mother wanted me to stop by the castle and ask you and--hey! Is that a Billy Bass up there, Lex?"  
  
"Um... yes, sir, it is."  
  
"Good for you, son! I have one of these myself, hanging up in the workshed."  
  
"Mom won't let him bring it in the house."  
  
"Ah. I, yes. I understand that."  
  
"Women and their houses."  
  
"Mom said it was either her or the fish. So Dad hung Billy out in the workshed."  
  
"I'll get it in the house past her one of these days, son. Just you wait. When I get that real bass mounted, I'll get Billy in there too."  
  
"Lex. Tell Dad about Lionel meeting Billy!!"  
  
*snorting laughter* "Lionel Luthor met Billy Bass?"  
  
"Um, yes, Mr. Kent. He did. When he came to the office a few days ago, he breezed in to harass me. He... got a taste of Billy firsthand."  
  
*more snorts* "Bet he just loved that."  
  
"Lionel was yelling Lex's full name by the time he left."  
  
*guffaws* "Oh, I wish I coulda been here for that."  
  
"It was great, Dad. Lionel stormed out of here so flustered... you how his hair gets all wavy when he's ticked? Well... it looked like he'd just stuck his wet finger in a light socket. It was sticking out all over the place."  
  
"You're all right, Lex. You're really all right. *Anybody* who can take down Lionel Luthor with a singing bass is ace in my book."  
  
"Well... um... I don't know what to say, Mr. Kent. I'm... touched."  
  
"Dad? Reason you came?"  
  
"Oh, right son, right. Your mother wanted me to come up here and tell you to bring Lex home for dinner tomorrow night; she's cooking up a storm. And you, son, we need *you* home to get started on your chores."  
  
"Right. I'll be home as soon as I finish my homework, okay?"  
  
"Just don't wait too long, son. You don't have all night to do those chores, you know."  
  
"I know, Dad. But homework comes first. Lex helps me, remember?"  
  
"I know, Clark. Lex... damn good job."  
  
*long, long silence.*  
  
"Clark... did your father just... congradulate me?"  
  
"Yep, he did."  
  
"Over... a singing plastic fish."  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Is your *entire* family closet freaks, or do I just bring it out in you guys?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Your father congratulated me over making my father lose his cool over a singing plastic fish. Your mother sent your father to have you bring me home for dinner like an errant puppy. And you! You bought the fish, you nicknamed me Ripley, you have a fascination for naked vampires and you think popcorn is a food group! Not to mention the fact that you're an alien from another planet adopted and raised by Kansas farmers. And you have a secret Muppet fetish. And the last straw? You have a DISTURBING attraction to Satan, who looks more than a LITTLE like my father!"  
  
"Um, Lex? Two words, all right? Bodice. Ripping. Two more. Weasley Twins. $6-a-phallicly-shaped-blue-bottle Imported Water. Warrior Angel, Biker Mice, Pinky and the Brain, Star Trek and Star Wars? He who lives in a glass mansion..."  
  
"I know, I know, should not throw stones at the superpowered alien. You used that line already, Clark. At least be original in your freakishness!"  
  
"Original? He who quotes Bloodhound Gang and Machiavelli and Sun Tzu is telling *me* to be original?"  
  
"And the fact that you grouped THOSE three together is frightening in the extreme."  
  
"Lex? Bite my ass."  
  
"And we're back to your anal fixation again. Clark... we really do need to get you some new material."  
  
"That's not what you said last night. Last night you didn't have a problem with my anal fixation. Especially when it was yours I was fixated on."  
  
"You've got a point. Well... bend over and drop 'em. We'll see who is more fun to be... fixated on. You or me."   
  
"Leeex!! I'm more fun."  
  
"That's true, you do make all these fascinating little noises when I slide my tongue right... here..."  
  
End 


	34. Trivial 32: Art Imitating Life Imitatin...

Title: Trivial 32: Art imitating Life Imitating Art...  
Author: Kel  
Rating: R-ish  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: In Which Lex Discovers Clark's Hobby  
  
Notes: Giggles to Rogue for suggesting Clark as a fanfic writer; I took it the step further and made him a slasher. Love and hugs to amy for Lambo.  
  
  
"Clark, you've been at the computer for the last two hours."  
  
"Yeah, but you've been working and I didn't want to get in your way. So I just absconded with your laptop while you're on the desktop."  
  
"You can abscond with my laptop anytime you want to, but you haven't said two words to me other than, 'Hi, Ripley' and 'How's it hanging?' To which I replied 'Tight and right,' and didn't even get a blink. So either you're no longer interested in the state of my cock, or you're preoccupied."  
  
"Huh? Me? Preoccupied?"  
  
"All right, that does it. Give me the laptop, Lambo. Give me the laptop and nobody gets hurt."  
  
"Lex!!! You can't take my--"  
  
"Claaaark... you have some explaining to do. Namely, why you're writing... fairly decent porn, it looks like, under the unlikely pen name of Alexander the Fabulous."  
  
"Um... because I needed a hobby?"  
  
"Clark, you have a bit too much spare time on your hands. So, tell me, who is doing whom?"  
  
"Um... well... um... you see... I write... about... different shows."  
  
"I see... and they would be?"  
  
"Um... that cop show you like, the Sentinel. Then... Highlander. Um.... Spike. And then.... comicbooks."  
  
"I'm sorry, Clark, I didn't get that last one, you ran it all together. Did you say... comic books?"  
  
"Yes!!"  
  
"You don't have to yell, Clark. Just don't mumble."  
  
"Lex! Gimmie back my stories!"  
  
"Calm down, Clark. I'm just reading."  
  
"You can't!!!"  
  
"I assure you I can, Clark. I am over the age of seventeen, and I am allowed to read NC-17 rated things."  
  
"But they're *mine!*"  
  
"Actually they're public domain since you published them on the internet."  
  
"Lex!! I wrote them!"  
  
"And very well, it appears. You have quite a few fans here, it seems. And that's a lovely shade of red for you, Clark."  
  
"Kiss my ass and lemme have the computer back!"  
  
"Not until I'm done. You've got quite the list here... only two Jim/Blair? I'm surprised. But... oh, what's this? Warrior Angel, Warrior Angel, Warrior Angel... Clark, is there something I should know about? You've got... ten Warrior Angel fics here." *pause* "Or should I just be flattered?"  
  
"Flattered."  
  
"If you blush any hotter, I can use you for a sun lamp."  
  
"Can I please have the laptop back?"  
  
"Only if you tell me who Warrior Angel is in a relationship with."  
  
"The Flash."  
  
"Flash? Warrior Angel and Flash?"  
  
"Yes. Warrior Angel and Flash."  
  
"This wouldn't be because of the person who voices Flash, would it? Same person from the Urban Legends DVD you rooked me into watching with you?"  
  
"Hey, Warrior Angel's gotta get his action somewhere."  
  
"With the Flash."  
  
"Yes, with Flash! Cause Flash is... cool! And funny. And fast. And--"  
  
"Spare me, please. I don't need a listing of all of Flash's good qualities. Although, apparently, he seems to be doing quite well in the hung department."  
  
"I can't believe you're reading my stories."  
  
"That position... shouldn't be possible for a normal human. Granted, neither Wally or Angel are human..."  
  
"Lex. Put the laptop down."  
  
"I want to keep reading. This is... interesting. Do you really think that I'm a--"  
  
"Lex!!"  
  
"Okay, okay." *pause* "There. It's down. It's closed. The URL is forever committed to my memory though."  
  
"Lex, if I see a new person posting about my stories, I'm going to know it's you."  
  
"I wouldn't be stroking your ego. I'd be stroking other things not attached to your ego."  
  
"Oh. Um. Well. In that case, read away. Wouldn't want to deny you your... strokage."  
  
The End 


	35. Trivial 33: The Masks We Wear

Title: Trivial 33: The Masks We Wear  
Author: Kel  
Rating: Heavy R-ishness  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: In Which Clark And Lex Prepare For A Masquerade  
Archive: Knock Yourself Out  
  
Notes: For Amy. Neko!Lex rules.  
  
"God, thank you. Doing this is going to be embarassing enough without some light in the loafers sales guy talking about my cheekbones and my ass."  
  
"Oh, how far you've come, my little Tinkerbell. From a sheltered Kansas farmboy to a fairy who calls another guy light in the loafers. I'm so proud."  
  
"Hey! You trying to tell me that guy's *not* light in the loafers? I may be a fairy, Lex, but I don't float. And I don't walk like there's a corncob up my ass."  
  
"As fairies go, you're quite the macho one. Now, can we please get down to the reason why we're here?"  
  
"Semi-public blowjobs?"  
  
"No. Costumes."  
  
"Costumes?"  
  
"Costumes. And please, no parrotting. I'm all out of crackers."  
  
"Jerk. I don't parrot."  
  
"You repeat everything I say. And yes, costumes. See this large book here? We're going to look through it and decide what we're going to the masquerade as."  
  
"Oooh, okay. I can do this. This'll be fun. Here, sit in my lap. We can share the book."  
  
"Clark. Do I really look like I was born yesterday?"  
  
*innocent whistling*  
  
"I'm not going to sit in your lap until we get home. Cope."  
  
"You're mean, Lex. Really, really mean."  
  
"Deal with it. Take the book over to that couch; there's enough room to sit side by side. And if you don't stop whining, naked TV watching is off."  
  
"But I *like* watching TV naked with you."  
  
"Then stop whining and start looking."  
  
"Lex, what are you doing with your hand?"  
  
"Getting it in position to brace the book in your lap."  
  
"In my--oh!! Uh... yeah. Okay." *drops book in lap* "Okay. Um... first costume is... no. You're not dressing up as Warrior Angel. I refuse to let you."  
  
"That's fine, because I wasn't going to anyway. Flip to the back, for couples."  
  
*gulp* "We're a.... couple?"  
  
*gentle squeeze* "Yes, Clark. We are. Just because nobody else knows yet doesn't make us any less of one."  
  
"Oh. Wow. I... I love you, Lex." *kiss*  
  
"I love you too, Clark." *squeeze* "Let's look."  
  
"Hey! What about this one! Pirate and maiden!!"  
  
"That whole bodice ripping idea really got to you, didn't it, Clark?"  
  
"Well... um... yeah. I liked it."  
  
"Okay. We'll mark it and keep looking."  
  
"Okay."   
  
"Oh, Clark, that would be excellent for you. Especially with your complexion and hair. There, the Native American one. And I know a place we can get body paint and I have books at home with tribal markings in them."  
  
"No way! That... that... *thing* has my ass hanging out to the wind and it just barely covers what you got your hand on!"  
  
"That 'thing' is called a loincloth, Clark. And don't you think I'd make a great cowboy? Leather chaps... spurs... rawhide..."  
  
"...Leather chaps?"  
  
"Mmm-hmm. But since you're not interest--"  
  
"Wait, okay! Just wait. I--I'm really starting to like this idea."  
  
"I thought you might. All right, there's two marked down. Oh, Clark. Look at that Viking helmet."  
  
"I'll wear that only if I get to keep you on the end of the chain all night, because in *that* skimpy little thing, people are going to be after your ass."  
  
"They're already after me, Clark, and I'm perfectly capable of telling them no. You just like the idea of having me in chains."  
  
"You bring out my inner kink monster. Yes, I like the idea of having you in chains and my collar."  
  
*squeeze* "Yes, you do. I can feel that. We'll put this one at the top of the stack."  
  
"Yeah, that'd be great."  
  
"Keep looking, Clark. Don't let your mind wander."  
  
"Maybe I could get my brain out of my pants if you moved your hand."  
  
"Not that I'm saying that's a bad thing to think of, but back to the book."  
  
"The book is not helping."  
  
"The book, Clark, is our friend. The book hides when I do this."  
  
"Lex!!"  
  
"Lower your voice, Clark. You don't want to have the whole store back here, only to find me molesting you in public, do you? Book."  
  
"Um... right... Christ. Book. Um... this... this one. Cop and... right there... hooker?"  
  
"With this reaction? It'll go to the top of the list. Keep looking."  
  
"Lex... you're... uh... purring?"  
  
"Comes with the territory of groping my significant other in public." *nibble* "How about... the last one there? The neko one?"  
  
"N-neko? What's... neko?"  
  
"Neko is Japanese for cat. Look at the picture, Clark. See the little ears, the long furry tail, the hot... wet... tongue?"   
  
*squeak*  
  
"Goes great with the little puppy dog, sitting right beside it, head in the kitty's lap..."  
  
*another squeak*  
  
"I think we have a winner. And I think it's only fitting you get the puppy, Clark. You've got the eyes down pat."  
  
"Um... yeah."  
  
"All right. I'll go and get the costumes."  
  
"Lex. You are a tease. You're not--"  
  
"Yes, I am. I have five sets of costumes to buy. You're going to carry them out."  
  
*blink* "Five?"  
  
"Yes, five. Come on. You'll see."  
  
"F-five!! Lex!!"  
  
"Just figured it out, did you, Clark?"  
  
"Um... do we really have to go to the party?"  
  
"Yes, Clark, we really have to go to the party. But I promise, we won't stay long, and then we can come home and try on the other things."  
  
"Um... Lex... you *do* realize that whichever set we wear, people are going to *know* that we're a couple, right?"  
  
"That's the general idea, Clark."  
  
"Um. Wow. Okay. This is scary. Cool, yeah, but scary. Does this mean we can actually start doing normal stuff?"  
  
"Clark, do we ever do normal things?"  
  
"Well, no, but... normal couple stuff?"  
  
"Yes. Normal couple stuff." *grin* "Starting with buying costumes for the costume party."  
  
"Seriously, Lex? I love you."  
  
"And I love you, Clark." *deep tongue-kissing*  
  
"Oh, Mr. Luthor, how's your... oh! Oh, my!!"  
  
"Christophe. Your timing is... a little off today. Get out. We'll be out in a minute."  
  
"Of course, Mr. Luthor, sir! Christophe will not breathe a word of this!"  
  
"*Now.*"  
  
"Yes sir!" *scurry*  
  
*blushing hotly*  
  
"Now, Clark... where were we?"  
  
end 


	36. Trivial 34: Inheritance

Title: Trivial 34: Inheritance  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PG  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: In Which Clark And Lex Discuss Heredity  
  
Notes: For Alax, who came up with the idea. And for poor little Clark, who gets to suffer through my own Lionel fascination as it's projected onto him. ::hug Clark now::  
  
"Hey, Lex... did you know omnisexuality passes from father to son?"  
  
"What in God's name are you talking about, Clark?"  
  
"Well... look at your dad. He does the same thing you do. Pool balls, fencing foils, the pointed comments, the stares... he's as omnisexual as you are."  
  
"This is an image I really don't need, Clark."  
  
"Oh, come on, Lex. Don't tell me you haven't noticed. He plays with your balls all the time, and your stick too."  
  
"My... balls?"  
  
"Pool balls. I mean, the last few times he's been here, he's headed straight for the table for a few balls to fondle."  
  
"Clark. Please. This entire conversation is very... disturbing. It's taking me into territory I do *not* need to be visiting."  
  
"Not to mention the way he's always pointing his foil around at you."  
  
"CLARK. Please. I truly do not need this imagery in my head."  
  
"I shouldn't mention the thing he does with the brandy glass then, dragging his fingers over the curve?"  
  
"No, you shouldn't. And frankly, I'm frightened that *you* notice it!"  
  
"I can't help it. I'm so used to seeing it with you, that I automatically notice when anyone else does it. Only this time, it's your dad doing it."  
  
"Clark, if you do not shut up, I am going to have to hurt you."  
  
"At least you come by it honestly, Lex."  
  
"One more word, Clark, and I'm going to muzzle you. With my foot up your ass."  
  
"But--"  
  
"Lex!! Son!"  
  
"Dad... this is not a good time."  
  
End 


	37. Trivial 35: Call For Mr Luthor

Title: Trivial 35: Call For Mr. Luthor  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Rating: um... NC-17ish?  
Summary: In Which Lex Is Having A Bad Day And Clark Cheers Him Up  
Archive: Knock yourself out  
  
Notes: For KC, Amy, Rogue and Ghini especially, but to *anyone* who's ever had a bad day and needed cheering up.  
  
  
*ring* *ring* *ring*  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Mr. Kent? This is Enrique. Master Lex is having a rather bad day; both his father and Dominic are here. Perhaps a phone call would be in order, to lighten his mood."  
  
"Yeah. Yeah, that's a good idea. Thanks, Enrique. I appreciate the heads up."  
  
"You're welcome, Mr. Kent. And please... don't mention my name."  
  
"Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me." *click*  
  
*ring* ring* *ring*  
  
"Luthor."  
  
"As soon as I'm done with my homework and my chores, I'm coming over there and ripping your shirt off with my teeth."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Oh, did I catch you at a bad time?"  
  
"You could say that."  
  
"People around? Like your Dad, maybe?"  
  
"Yes, exactly."  
  
"So... I shouldn't tell you how I'm going to bite my way down your chest after I rip your shirt off."  
  
"No, that's not what I need to hear right now."  
  
"Maybe you need to hear how I'd crawl under your desk while your Dad's there and give you a blow job. See if I could make you lose your cool. Scream out my name while your Dad's watching."  
  
"That actually wouldn't be a feasible plan of action. And yes, Dad, I know your time is valuable; this is an important call. Deal with it."  
  
"What wouldn't be feasible? Me fitting under your desk? Or sucking you off while your dad's there."  
  
"Neither would be, actually."  
  
"Don't you like the idea of my mouth wrapped around your cock?"  
  
"Yes, I do."  
  
"Trying not to think about it?"  
  
"Absolutely right."  
  
"Hard?"  
  
"Very much so."  
  
"Can you touch yourself?"  
  
"No, that's not possible either, I'm afraid."  
  
"Then you can listen to me touching myself."  
  
"As I said, this really isn't the best time."  
  
"You know, I'm thinking about you sitting in your office right now, and I know you're just dying to tell everyone to get the hell out so you can listen to me jack off for you, aren't you?"  
  
"More than you realize."  
  
"I'm also thinking of you naked, if that helps."  
  
"It... really doesn't."  
  
"Thinking of you hard and naked and fucking me... pounding my ass... *pant*... hands on my shoulders, squeezing..."  
  
*muffled* "Dad... get the hell out. You too, Dominic. This is going to have to wait until later." *more mumbling* "Yes, I'm well aware of the fact you came all the way from Metropolis in your little helicopter. Get out of my office, and I'll deal with you tonight after dinner." *slam of doors* "Clark Jerome Kent... your ass is mine on a silver fucking platter."  
  
"I certainly hope so, Lex."  
  
The End 


	38. Trivial 36: Brat

Title: Trivial 36: Brat  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Rating: PGish  
Summary: In Which Clark and Lex Have An Argument  
Archive: Knock Yourself Out  
  
Notes: To Ghini and Amy, and For KC, my own personal Bratpack. And oh, Amy? Am not.  
  
"Clark Kent, you are a complete brat."  
  
"Am not, and hello to you too. What did I do now?"  
  
"Are too, and you know exactly what you did."  
  
"Am not, and the phone call thing?"  
  
"Are too, and don't even play innocent with me."  
  
"Am not, and I *am* innocent. I was just trying to--"  
  
"Drive me insane? And are too."  
  
"Cheer you up. And am not."  
  
"Are too."  
  
"Am not."  
  
"Are too."  
  
"Am not."  
  
"Are too."  
  
"Am not. And you sound like you're five."  
  
"Pot, meet Kettle. Are too."  
  
"Am not, and I have an excuse. I'm still a kid at heart."  
  
"Are too. And that's not an excuse."  
  
"Am not and is too!"  
  
"Are too and is not!"'  
  
"Am not and is too!"  
  
"Are too and is not!"  
  
"Am not and is too!"  
  
"Are too and is not, and I am *not* getting into this."  
  
"Am not, is too, and are too!"  
  
"Are too--Clark, this is ridiculous."  
  
"I won! I won I won I won!!"   
  
"Well, it's too bad you're not a brat. Because here I was, all ready to spank you. And it is too, and I am not."  
  
"Um... oh. Yeah. Um.... am too a brat?"  
  
The End 


	39. Trivial 37: Variety Is The Spice Of Lif...

Title: Trivial 37: Variety is the Spice of Life  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PGish  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: "Let's talk about sex, baby..."  
Archive: Knock yourself out  
  
Notes: For Ghini, who has helped me figure out many, many interesting places for the boys to play.  
  
  
"Lex... do you ever get bored with our sex life?"  
  
*spew* "How could I? We've yet to do the same thing twice."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Track with me here, Clark. Let's just think... where all have we done things?"  
  
"Um... the bedroom?"  
  
"Yours, mine, and my dad's. The pool. The spaceship--and it's cold in the cellar."  
  
"The barn."  
  
"Everywhere in your barn--couch, walls, steps, railing, floor. My office. The pool table. The dungeon. The kitchen. The war room."  
  
"The Torch office. Um... movie theater bathroom?"  
  
"The Talon. The Metropolis penthouse--every room."  
  
"The cars?"  
  
"Porsche, limo, Ferrari, Lamborghini. And you don't know how hard it is to get come stains out of the upholstery."  
  
"My parents' bedroom?"  
  
"Anniversary weekend."  
  
"Right. Nell's flower shop?"  
  
"Probably the only place we haven't."  
  
"Your gym?"  
  
"You pushed me against the punching bag and had your wicked way with me. Sucked me off twice, if memory serves."  
  
"Oooh. Yeah. I remember that now. God, you were hot."  
  
"Focus."  
  
"Right. Um... yeah, I think you're right. We have done it everywhere."  
  
"Variety, Clark. Come on."  
  
"Where are we going?"   
  
"Nell's Flower Shop."  
  
"Oh."  
  
The End 


	40. Trivial 38: Nuts!

Title: Trivial 38: Nuts!  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Rating: PG-13ish   
Summary: In Which Clark and Lex Have Fun With Chocolates  
Archive: Knock yourself Out  
  
Notes: For Amy, who doesn't like nuts.   
  
  
"Lex!! You didn't have to do this!"  
  
"I know. I wanted to."  
  
"This... these...wow! Paris!"  
  
"From my personal favorite choclatier. Open up."  
  
"Mmmm... uhhh... God! That is *good!*"  
  
"Sounding a little orgasmic there, Clark. I didn't know you were that much of a chocoholic. Here... open up again."  
  
"God, Lex. I can see wh---yuck!!!!! Lex! This has *nuts!*"  
  
"You... have a problem with nuts?"  
  
"They're gross! They're all squishy and totally ruin the best chocolate in the world!"  
  
"I would never have guessed you don't like nuts. You've never had a problem with nuts before."  
  
"I can't stand the way nuts feel in my mouth. They taste... ick."  
  
"You have a problem with nuts in your mouth. That's... news to me."  
  
"Lex?"  
  
"I just never realized you were a non-nut person. I mean... I always thought you were okay with nuts. Granted, I never served them to you on a platter, but you were always all right with them before. As part of... other things."  
  
"Well, duh! As long as they're part of something else, like Chinese or Thai--"  
  
*strangled noise*  
  
"Lex, you okay?"  
  
"Oh, yes. I'm fine. Just thinking."  
  
"And dare I ask about what?"  
  
"You and your anti-nut fetish."  
  
"It's not a fetish, I just don't like the feeling of nuts in my mouth!"  
  
*pointed glare*  
  
"Lex?"  
  
"Clark. Think. Really hard now."  
  
"You're being sarcastic."  
  
"And you're being dense."  
  
"Oh? Oh!! OH!!! Lex!! That's.... that's...!!"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"So totally *not* the same thing."  
  
"You said you didn't like nuts in your mouth. What was I supposed to think?"  
  
"Um... something totally unrelated to sex?"  
  
"You. Naked. In my bed. Me. Naked. Feeding you chocolates. And we start talking about nuts. Are you tracking with me at *all* here, Clark?"  
  
"Oh."  
  
"And the lightbulb dings on. I adore you, Clark. You are so fun to tease."  
  
"Do you have any more chocolate around this place? I mean, not already made into candy?"  
  
"I shouldn't understand that, but I did, and yes, I do have some."  
  
"Well, then you can show me the virtues of chocolate covered nuts."  
  
The End 


	41. Trivial 39: A Dish Best Served Cold

Title: Trivial 39: A Dish Best Served Cold  
Author: Kel  
Rating: NC-17ish  
Pairing: Lex/Clark  
Summary: In Which Clark Receives A Phone Call  
Archive: Knock Yourself Out  
  
Notes: Blame my inner Trekker for the title; it's one of Khan's myriad references to Moby Dick in ST II: The Wrath of Khan.  
  
*ring* *ring* *ring*  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hello, handsome."  
  
"Hey, Pete."  
  
"Pete? Unless I've changed--oh, I've caught you at a bad time, haven't I?"  
  
"Yeah. You could say that. Mom and Dad are eating dinner right now and they're waiting for me."  
  
"Well, they'll just have to wait now, won't they?"  
  
"You're mean, you know that?"  
  
"I pride myself on it. I take great pains to be that."  
  
"You're *not* all that, my friend."  
  
"I'm truly hurt you think that. What was that thump?"  
  
"I boosted myself up on the counter. Mom'll kill me, but it's comfortable."  
  
"Ever jerked off while you were sitting up there?"  
  
"I'm hanging up the phone now."  
  
"Then I guess that means you don't want to hear about tonight's plans, hmm?"  
  
"We have... plans?"  
  
"I do. And if you're... sufficiently repentant... they could involve you too."  
  
"Suff--"  
  
"Do you want to hear about them or not?"  
  
"I guess?"  
  
"Without the question mark."  
  
"I guess."  
  
"You don't sound too enthused... don't I excite you anymore?"  
  
"You're pouting."  
  
"I'm just wondering if you're getting tired of me."  
  
"You know I'm not. This... is just not a good time."  
  
"Too many other ears around?"  
  
"Something like that."  
  
"Then just listen. When I'm done you can answer me yes or no."  
  
"Okay." *muffled* "In just a minute, Dad. Pete needs this stuff for school."  
  
*more muffled mumbling*  
  
"Sorry, man."  
  
"No problem, Clark. I know you like to watch me, so tonight, I'm going to let you. Make you, even. I'm going to spread myself out in the middle of the bed and just... touch myself. Let you watch me jerk myself off... make you watch me slide my fingers in my ass--"  
  
"Oh man. You're fucking evil."  
  
"I do try, Clark."  
  
"You know just what you're doing, don't you?"  
  
"Telling my boyfriend what I have planned for him tonight?"  
  
"I hate you. Have I told you that lately?"  
  
"You don't hate me."  
  
"At this moment? Yes, I do."  
  
"No, Clark. At this moment? You're hard and wishing you could shove it down my throat and choke me on it."  
  
"You got it in one."  
  
"Because if I had a mouthful of your cock, I wouldn't be talking. Just... sucking."  
  
"Which... would be a *really* nice thing."  
  
"That I wouldn't be talking? Or that I'd be sucking your cock?"  
  
"Both?"  
  
"Without the question mark, please. I'll break you of the habit yet."  
  
"Both!" *muffled* "Sorry, Mom. I'm just helping Pete study. Five more minutes, I promise."  
  
"You know, Clark... I'm beginning to think you have a secret fondness for Pete."  
  
"Not in the slightest. Get back to what you were doing."  
  
"You're getting awfully bossy, Clark. Does that mean our plans are going to be changing? You're going to tie me up and get that wicked little glint in your eye as you fuck me--"  
  
"You realize I'm going to have to kill you for this."  
  
*chuckle* "I haven't done anything. Just made one innocent... little... call."  
  
"My ass."  
  
"What about your ass? It's a very nice ass. It's just the right size, and it's nice and tight and hot. And oh so wonderful to fuck. The way your ass just grips my cock--"  
  
"*Please!*"  
  
"Begging for it now. I should do this more often. I love when you beg, Clark. You close your eyes, did you know that? You close your eyes and tilt your head back and give me your throat, begging me to suck you, fuck you, touch you and taste you...God."  
  
"Wh--what are you d-doing?"  
  
"Jerking off, Clark. These thoughts... just so hot."   
  
"Fuck."  
  
"Tonight. I swear it." *muffled grunting*  
  
"*Fuck!* Did you--"  
  
"I'll see you tonight, Clark."  
  
*click*  
  
"Motherfucker."  
  
"Clark Kent! Where did you learn language like that?"  
  
"At school, Mom."  
  
"Well... come on back in here and finish your dinner. I don't want to hear you talking like that in this house again, young man."  
  
"Probably that damned Luthor's fault."  
  
"Jonathan! Watch *your* language!"  
  
"You all right, son? You look kinda... upset."  
  
"Um... yeah, no, I'm fine. I'm just... yeah, worried about Lex. He had a meeting with his dad today, and he gets all... weird."  
  
"Well, don't worry. Luthor can take care of himself."  
  
"You can go and check on him after dinner, Clark."  
  
*wolfing food*  
  
"Clark, slow down! Chew your food, sweetie. You've got plenty of time to go check on Lex. You want to take him something to eat?"  
  
*choke cough cough splutter*   
  
"You doing okay there, son?" *pounding*  
  
"Yeah--" *cough* "--fine--" *wheeze* "--thanks. Hey, Mom? Can I be excused please?"  
  
"Sure, honey. I'll just wrap your plate up for later."  
  
"Thanks, Mom."  
  
"Be careful!"  
  
"Always."  
  
The End. 


	42. Trivial 40: Slash Macbeth

Title: Trivial 40: Slash Macbeth  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Lex/Clark   
Rating: Um... R-ish  
Summary: In Which Clark and Lex discuss the Classics  
Archive: Knock yourself out.  
  
Notes: Thanks to the Bunnies for helping me pick out the right title. Thanks to the bunnies *again* and corrupting my pristine (and if you believe *that*...) views of Shakespeare.  
  
  
"If we shadows have offended,   
Think but this, and all is mended,   
That you have but slumb'red here  
While these visions did appear.   
And this weak and idle theme,   
No more yielding but a dream,   
Gentles, do not reprehend.   
If you pardon, we will mend.   
And, as I am an honest Puck,   
If we have unearned luck   
Now to scape the serpent's tongue,   
We will make amends ere long;   
Else the Puck a liar call...."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Did I get that right?"  
  
"Get *what* right?"  
  
"Puck's speech, Lex! You said you'd help me study!"  
  
"Give me some warning, Clark. Just don't start spouting Shakespeare at me, because otherwise I'm thinking you've lost your mind." *pause* "But yes, it's right. That's just not all of it."  
  
"I know, but I gotta take it a few lines at a time."  
  
"Is that like living your life a quarter mile at a time?"  
  
"Wait... I'm quoting Shakespeare and you're quoting The Fast and the Furious. What's wrong with this picture?"  
  
"One good quote deserves another."  
  
"Can we stick to *my* homework and salivate over fast cars later?"  
  
"Remind me to tell you everything that's *wrong* with those cars later. And yes, of course, back to your homework." *pause* "I never thought I'd be helping my lover with his homework. Writing a master's dissertation, yes. High school homework? Never entered my mind."  
  
"But... but... I'm worth it. Right?"  
  
*kiss* "Of course you are, Clark. I just... find it amusing. Lex Luthor, Shakespeare Tutor. Doesn't have quite the ring as--"  
  
"Lex Luthor, Sex Machine?"  
  
"That's appropriate too. Back to work, farmboy. I want this out of my hair."  
  
"Lex?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"You don't *have* any hair."  
  
*smack* "Figuratively speaking, Clark. I want it out of the way so I can debauch you at my leisure." *pause* "Speaking of debauching..."  
  
"We were speaking of debauching?"  
  
"I was. And, as a possible 'ooh, I'm studying dirty stuff' incentive, did you know that Shakespeare is full of possible... what is it you write? slash? pairings."  
  
"There's... slash in Shakespeare?"  
  
"Chock full of it. Just look at this one; A Midsummer Night's Dream. Lysander and Demetrius. Puck and Oberon. Listen to the way Oberon talks to Puck. Not as an underling but a trusted and beloved lieutenant who he thinks fails him. To put it in terms you can understand... they are *so* doing it."  
  
"B-b-but Oberon's married! To Titania!"  
  
"And your point is?"  
  
"Okay, okay. Geeze."  
  
"Look at Hamlet. He all but swears his love to Horatio, and Horatio swears it in return, right before Hamlet's play in front of the king. '...and I will wear him in my heart of hearts, even as I do thee.' So doing it."  
  
"Oh, man. You know, you're totally ruining Shakespeare for me now. I'm never going to be able to read it again without wondering who's doing who!"  
  
"Romeo is doing it with Mercutio. And if you want to bring incest into it, Juliet is doing it with her cousin Tybalt, because there's no *way* she'd be so distraught over *just* her cousin, if you know what I mean. And then there's the whole Gertrude/Hamlet vibe in Hamlet. Especially the scene in her bedroom after Polonius' murder? Very incestuous. There's also Don Pedro/Claudio *and* Hero/Beatrice in Much Ado About Nothing. Beatrice admits it at the first wedding disaster; 'I have this past twelve month been her bedfellow!' So doing it. Then there's Macbeth... and Banquo."  
  
*long silence*  
  
"Lex? You okay?"  
  
"I'm fine, Clark."  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
*pages flipping furiously* "Oh. Oh. Macbeth... kills Banquo. Because-"  
  
"Because no matter how much Macbeth loved him, he got in the way of Macbeth's power."  
  
"You're thinking about Cassandra's vision again, aren't you?"  
  
"She did predict my rise to power, Clark. Just like the witches told of Macbeth's."  
  
"But... the difference is... you're not Macbeth. You're Lex Luthor. *My* Lex. And I'm not going to let you get rid of me. You don't get it, Lex... I love you. You love me. And... and... that just doesn't come along every day. We're going to be together. I won't let anything else happen." *lots of hugging* "Your life isn't a Shakespearian tragedy, Lex."  
  
"No... not with you around it's not."  
  
"I know what will make you feel better." *kiss, unzip*  
  
"Clark... God... yes. You... know the right... thing to say. Not... fuck... that you're talking."  
  
The End 


	43. Trivial 41: Fast Cars and Furious Lover...

Title: Trivial 41: Fast Cars and Furious Lovers  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PG-13ish  
Pairing: Lex/Clark  
Summary: In Which Lex and Clark Discuss Fast Cars and Beards  
Archive: Knock Yourself Out  
  
Notes: I have recently become... obsessed, I suppose you could say, with The Fast and The Furious. Thanks to Amy and Hugo who were my car gurus, and to the rest of the bunnies for putting up with my incessant nattering about TF&TF.  
  
  
"Okay, it's later. I'm supposed to remind you what's wrong with the cars."  
  
"The cars?"  
  
"The Fast and The Furious."  
  
"They're ugly, Clark. You do *not* defile a beautiful racing machine with decals that are that... obnoxious. And the paint colors... Brian obviously had no taste. Lime green and neon orange... I am telling you, Clark. Complete and utter defilement of the car's essence."  
  
"Aaand you're a freak."  
  
"Only over my cars, Clark. And it pains my very soul to see such magnificent pieces of hardware so vilely mistreated."  
  
"I love the cars too, especially the red... Porsche? is it, that Dom drives in the first race."  
  
"No, no, no. That's not a Porsche, Clark. That's a Mazda RX-7."  
  
"I don't know why I thought it was a Porsche."  
  
"Because you're used to people with good taste in their machinery. Not that an RX-7 is a *bad* car, exactly... it's just--not a Porsche. But... all the cars in this movie are Japanese imports, because I believe the article that this movie was based on was about a group that street-raced the superpowered Japanese imports."   
  
"And how many times have you seen this movie?"  
  
"Fifteen."  
  
"Fifteen. Right. Um... how can you sit through it fifteen times? The testosterone is just... blindingly thick. Unbelieaveably thick."  
  
"In other words, all the penis-waving gets to you."  
  
*blushing* "Well... yeah. They're all like... I don't know, dogs or something. Scenting around each other, having pissing contests... all over Dom. Though... I gotta admit... I can kinda see why."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Yeah. He's... hot."  
  
"Musclebound, thick-necked, no-brains is hot? You do realize that people like that are usually only good for one thing."  
  
"Notice I'm not mentioning his conversational skills, Lex. He's just hot."  
  
"Well, at least you're steady on one thing. We're both bald. Tell me, Clark, should I start bulking up and dropping IQ points?"  
  
"Lex? Huh? No! God! Come on!"  
  
"Well, the way you're going on and on about people sniffing around him--"  
  
"People sniff around you too, Lex." *lick* "But I want *you* just the way you are." *nibbling kisses*  
  
*placated growl* "I have to admit, Dom *is* probably the only thing in the entire movie that Brian has any taste in."  
  
*pause* "Dom... and Brian?"  
  
"You mean you never caught that?"  
  
"Um... no. No, I didn't. I mean... Letty and Mia?"  
  
"They are simply there to keep the MPAA off the movie studio's back, and are probably doing it themselves. The level of betrayal in that movie alone guarantees it. Not only that, but... look at the way Dominic looks at Brian. Hell, Clark, even Brian's boss saw it. After the raid on Tranh's place, the boss goes out to Brian and says that it's not about Mia, or Hector, or Johnny Tranh. It's about Dom, and it's always been about Dom. Then... there's the fact that, for example, Brian throws away *everything* to help Dom chase down the two Tranh bikers who shot Jesse--that's love, Clark. The fact that Bri gave Dom his car keys and let him go--more love. Because he knows he's just thrown away his career and everything else for Dominic. Not to mention, he *gave* his *car* to Dom. That's a big sacrifice, Clark. Trust me."  
  
"Wow."  
  
"You... get thrown by the beards, don't you Clark?"  
  
"Beards?"  
  
"Yes, beards. Fake female love interests thrown in the middle of an obviously gay couple in the effort to prove they're actually *not* gay."  
  
"So... Letty and Mia weren't really... oh. Right."  
  
"You're so pretty when you're confused, Clark."  
  
"Is that why you always make it a point to confuse me?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
"You're evil, Lex. Evil, evil, evil."  
  
"Not yet, but I'm working on it."  
  
"So... Brian and Dom? Wonder..."  
  
"Oh Christ. I have created a monster."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Go, Clark. Go write." *heaving a huge sigh* "One of these days, I'm going to learn to keep my mouth shut."  
  
"If you did, I couldn't do this."  
  
The End 


	44. Trivial 42: Sugar Rush

Title: Trivial 42: Sugar Rush  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PG-13ish  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: In Which Clark Is Hyperactive  
Archive: Knock Yourself Out  
  
Notes: Hugs to my Bunnies because I couldn't have done this without your help.  
  
  
"My God, Clark. What all do you have?"  
  
"Pop Rocks, Nerds, Blow Pops, Chupa Chups, Dum-Dums, Kit Kats, a chocolate orange, some M&Ms--"  
  
"Where did you get all this?"  
  
"Um... the store at the end of Route 5. I needed to replenish my stash."  
  
"Your... stash?"  
  
"Yeah, my stash." *points to box* "See, I keep this stuck under the bed. And then, when I get hungry, I can just reach under there and grab it."  
  
"You are going to be *so* hyper, Clark."  
  
"You should have seen it before I started the movie."  
  
"Before? How much have you had already?"  
  
"Um... half a box of Twinkies, a two liter bottle of Coke, and three of those little Ferrero Rocher things. You ever had those things, Lex? They've got this stuff in them, hazelnut and choclate, and they're really yummy. You peel it out of this gold foil--"  
  
"*CLARK!*"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Breathe."  
  
"Okay. I'm breathing."  
  
"That 'stuff' is called nutella. And no more for you. I don't want to have to peel you off the ceiling."  
  
"You won't have to peel me off the ceiling."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Nope. I can think of lots of stuff to do to burn off the sugar."  
  
*sigh* "Why does that frighten me, Clark?"  
  
"Um... cause you can't keep up with me?"  
  
"That sounds dangerously close to a challenge, Clark. Are you challenging me to try and keep up with you?"  
  
"Well... okay, yeah."  
  
"And what do I get if I win?"  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"The winner gets to dress the loser up. In drag. And take him out clubbing in Metropolis Saturday night."  
  
"Lex! A *dress??*"  
  
"Well... it's either that, or you let me buy you a decent wardrobe that doesn't include flannel. Besides... you're the one who challenged *me,* Clark... why do you assume you'll be the one wearing the dress?"  
  
"Because you've got that really sharky look in your eye like you're just waiting to pounce on the next unsuspecting person to walk into your lair and that happens to be me."  
  
"Clark, Clark, Clark. You're being paranoid. And backpedaling nicely too. Put the sugar down and follow me."  
  
"Just so you know something, Lex. I make a really ugly woman."  
  
"How do you know? Have you tried it before? You're a beautiful man, Clark. I'd be willing to bet you make a beautiful woman."  
  
"I really, really hate you, Lex."  
  
"No you don't."  
  
"Okay. You're right. I don't. But still."  
  
"Are you forfeiting the bet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then strip and get in bed."  
  
"Yes sir, Mr. Luthor, sir."  
  
The End 


	45. Trivial 43: Winners and Losers

Title: Trivial 43: Winners and Losers  
Author: Kel  
Rating: PG  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: In Which We Find Out Who Won The Bet  
Archive: Knock Yourself Out  
  
Notes: To Ghini and Amy, who helped me pick the winner and the loser. And, for my inner kink monster, who loves boys in dresses.  
  
"I really, really hate you, Lex."  
  
"Shut up and stop moving. I can't put lip gloss on when you're talking."  
  
*silence*  
  
"There. Now you can talk, just don't lick your lips."  
  
"You cheated."  
  
"You never said I couldn't use a cock ring to stay hard with, either. You just said I had to outlast you. And I did. Close your eyes."  
  
"Remind me never to play Monopoly with you."  
  
"Don't blink."  
  
"This lip gloss tastes like watermelon."  
  
"I told you not to lick it. Sit still."  
  
"I can't help it. These hose are going into uncharted territory here."  
  
"I told you that you should have gone with the fishnet stockings."  
  
"I am not wearing a garter belt."  
  
"I think you'd look sexy in one. Open your eyes and look up."  
  
*pause* "Really?"  
  
"Yes, really. Turn to the left."  
  
"You *cheated,* Lex."  
  
"Back to that again?"  
  
"You should have to dress up too."  
  
"Me? I won."  
  
"You *cheated!*"  
  
"But I won."  
  
"It's not fair."  
  
"Life rarely is. Turn to the right."  
  
"Turn to the left, turn to the right, I feel like you're taking mug shots of me."  
  
"Don't pick that brush up; you'll chip your nails."  
  
"Bitch, bitch, bitch."  
  
*pause* "Would it really make you feel better if I wore my dress tonight?"  
  
"Yes, it would."  
  
"Well... that'll require a slight change of venue, but... only for you, Clark."  
  
"You mean it?"  
  
"Yes, I do. I'll get dressed after I finish dressing you."  
  
"Lex?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Should I be afraid that you have women's clothes in my size?"  
  
*sharky grin* "Just... hoping to incite your inner kink monster."  
  
"Lex... I don't *have* an inner kink monster."  
  
"Liar. Costume Party. Handcuffs. Dungeon. That's all I'm going to say."  
  
"Lex!!"  
  
"I told you to stop licking your lips. Shut up and pucker up."  
  
The End 


	46. Trivial 44: Girls' Night Out

Title: Trivial 44: Girls Night Out  
Author: Kel  
Rating: NC-17  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: In Which Clark and Lex have Girls Night Out   
Archive: Knock yourself out  
  
Notes: For Henry. Cause he's *not* a dork. And... because he asked.   
  
"Wow... you look gorgeous."  
  
"You don't look too bad yourself either."  
  
"Yeah, but you don't look... clunky."  
  
"Clark, you don't look clunky either. You're just... broader than I am."  
  
"You *look* like a girl, Lex."  
  
"I'll choose to take that as a compliment since that's the intention here."  
  
"You know it is." *pout* "You look like a beautiful woman, I look like a guy in a dress, and even though I think girls are icky I think you're sexy."  
  
"Icky?"  
  
"Icky. Gross. Not to be done sexual things with."  
  
"Ah. Icky."  
  
"Right."  
  
"Girls are not icky, Clark. They're useful in certain circumstances."  
  
"As long as the circumstances don't require my dick getting near a girl again, I'm happy."  
  
"Again?"  
  
"Ever?"  
  
"Again?"  
  
*blush*   
  
"Your dick has been near a girl?"  
  
"When I was eleven. In the barn. Me and Chloe. Um... you show me yours and I'll show you mine."  
  
*sniff* "You never offered to play that game with me. And wait. No. You're a lady tonight, let the gentleman open the door for you. Cross your legs when you get in the limo, and remember to speak softly."  
  
"Yeah, well, by the time I met you, I was definitely old enough to know better."  
  
"But still too young to care?"  
  
"Something like that. Where are we going?"  
  
"A club called Brandywine. It's very quiet, very elegant, and very exclusive."  
  
"And they'll let me in?"  
  
"You're with me, Clark."  
  
"Right. I keep forgetting that you're Lex-God-of-the-Universe-Luthor to the rest of the world. I just get so used to... you know, *Lex.*"  
  
"Again, I must point out that you know *Lex.* The rest of the world knows Mr. Luthor."  
  
"Yeah, I know."  
  
"Now... let's see. What to name you?"  
  
"Name me?"  
  
"No woman is named Clark. In my case, I'm Alexa, though you'll hear Lexi more times than not tonight. Hm..."  
  
"Lexi?"  
  
"Just like that."  
  
"Okay. And I am..."  
  
"Gerri. From Jerome."  
  
"Gerri and Alexa. I kinda like that."  
  
"Clark, meet Gerri, the inner kink monster. Gerri, meet Clark, your new best friend."  
  
"Wow. You weren't kidding when you said spiffy."  
  
"I sincerely doubt the word spiffy ever crossed my lips. And Gerri... please let Darryl open the door for you. It's what he's paid for. And let him help you out of the car."  
  
"It's... hard being a woman."  
  
"Yes, it is, but it's the small behaviors that pull it off believably."  
  
"Good God, Lex. You didn't tell me there was going to be so many people."  
  
"Lexi, please. And you thought it was going to be just the two of us? And remember, soft speaking."  
  
"Right, right. Soft. Like this?"  
  
"Oh... yes. Just... like... that."  
  
"Lexi... that sounded remarkably sleazy."  
  
"And you are sounding like melted honey poured over hot sex. Deal. And Gerri?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I'm not letting you out of my sight tonight."  
  
*shiver* "I don't know which feels better... you or the lace." *pause* "Fuck."  
  
"Problem, darling?"  
  
*another shiver* "Yes. A *hard* problem, if you know what I mean."  
  
"I do. Stand against the wall, there in the corner."  
  
"What--oh, shit!"  
  
"Be quiet unless you want the whole club to know what we're doing."  
  
"And what...are you doing?"  
  
"Tucking."  
  
"T-tucking. Right." *slamming head against wall* "God. If you don't stop..."  
  
"Shut up. Just... don't talk until I have my hands *off* your dick because I have a problem of my own right now and you're *not* helping."  
  
*lick nibble*  
  
"*GERRI.*"  
  
*butterfly kiss.* "Sorry."  
  
"There. Now move. Let me in there, because thanks to you, I've now got a *bigger* problem."  
  
*nuzzle* "Wouldn't want you to ruin the lines of that pretty dress."  
  
"I said shut up."  
  
"You said shut up until your hands were off *my* dick. You didn't say shut up while you were touching yourself."  
  
"Just... shut up."  
  
*raised eyebrow*  
  
*frantic adjustment*  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"I can talk now?"  
  
"As much as you want."  
  
"Then let's dance."  
  
"You're a sadistic bastard, Gerri."  
  
"Maybe... but I learned from the best. Let's go."  
  
*new voice* "Hello, ladies. I'm... Val. Care to dance?"  
  
"No thanks, Gerri and I are... rather exclusive."  
  
"Your loss."  
  
"My gain."  
  
"Why, that's positively possessive of you, Gerri."  
  
"Well... Lexi... I suck at sharing."  
  
"You suck at a lot of things."  
  
"Like you, for starters."  
  
"Flirting with a sledgehammer, aren't you?"  
  
"Just hoping to get lucky."  
  
"If I'd known women's clothes turned you on so much, I'd have done this a long time ago. You're going to have to let Gerri out to play more often."  
  
"Only if Lexi gets to play with her."  
  
"I think we can arrange that."  
  
"Can you arrange it... like now?"  
  
"Now?"  
  
"Yes, now. Gerri is *really* dying to play with Lexi."  
  
"Well... when you put it that way... Darryl is just right outside, and he is very... discreet."  
  
"So what are we waiting for?"  
  
The End 


	47. Trivial 45: Hands On

Title: Trivial 45: Hands On  
Author: Kel  
Rating: NC-17  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: In Which Clark Catches Lex In A Hands-On Situation  
Archive: knock yourself out  
  
Notes: This one's all for Amy. Thanks to Amy and Rogue for help in compiling the metaphors.   
  
*quiet grunting coming from the shower*  
  
"Lex?"  
  
*no answer*  
  
"Lex!" *opens stall*  
  
"Clark!" *fist pounding against wall* "What... are you... oh, God... doing... here?"  
  
"I wanted to surprise you."  
  
"You...yeah...did." *grunt* "Fuck... Christ! Clark!" *orgasm* "Hand me... the towel please?"  
  
"You... you... you're...you..."  
  
"Masturbating, Clark. Roughing up the suspect? Choking the chicken? Palming the Pope? Jerkin' the gherkin?"  
  
"Yeah!! Isn't that... against the rules when you're going out with someone?"  
  
*blink* "What are you talking about?"  
  
"You don't masturbate when you're in a relationship with someone!!"  
  
"Says who? Miss Manners?"  
  
"But... you just *don't!*"  
  
"Clark... come here. Sit down on the bed. I know you're a little too old to have this talk, but I think we need to. Masturbation is perfectly normal."  
  
"Oh, hell no. You're sounding like my father and just... not images I want, okay?"  
  
"The point here, Clark, is that yes, it is okay to jack off when you're in a relationship."  
  
"But... doesn't that mean that... you don't want to have sex with your partner?"  
  
"What the hell have they been teaching you in Sex Ed?"  
  
"They... um... haven't. Dad wouldn't... cause he was afraid. That I was different. And people would notice. So... I didn't."  
  
"Remind me to bitchslap your father." *sigh* "Listen, Clark. Me having one off the wrist in the shower in there... that just means I woke up hard because I dreamed about you and wanted to get off. And it feels good to do it in the shower. Then... you showing up was just a bonus." *pause* "You haven't been, have you?"  
  
*head shake*  
  
"No wonder you're always so quick on the trigger. Clark... it's okay. I do it all the time."  
  
"I did too, until we got together."  
  
"Well... start again. It's *not* a bad thing, Clark. There were times--like on the phone--I just assumed you were."  
  
"That was different. That was to get you off, too. So it was kind of like sex."  
  
*kiss* "Clark... the next time you get hard thinking about me, I want you to jerk off, all right? I promise, you'll see. It's not bad at all."  
  
*blush* "Um... okay. I'll... do it."  
  
"No, Clark. Pick a metaphor and stick with it."  
  
"Metaphor?"  
  
"Yeah. Just to prove that you can."  
  
"Like?"  
  
"Shaking hands with the bishop. Whipping your skippy. Spanking the monkey. Having a date with Rosie Palm."  
  
"LEX!!!!!!" *bright blush*  
  
"I'm not done. The 5-knuckle shuffle. Stroke the stallion. Hit the ham. Flog your log.   
Have one off the wrist. Putting yourself in a time out. My personal favorite is having one off the wrist, but you pick what feels right for you. I'm also fond of wanking and tossing off, but that's my English Boarding School background talking."  
  
"I um... I kinda like... whipping your skippy."   
  
*smothered snort* "All right then. You whip your skippy, I'll have one off the wrist, and we'll both be happier for it, I think. Masturbation is a healthy part of any relationship, Clark. Never be ashamed of it. And it's something we can do together."  
  
"To--together? I--yeah. I think I'd like that. Like watching you."  
  
*long kiss* "Tell you what, Clark. You come over tonight, I'll have one off for you, you can whip your skippy for me, and then we'll see how good it feels."  
  
"Tonight? But.. you just... can't I whip my skippy *now*?"  
  
"Say it without the whining and it'll be sexy."  
  
The End 


	48. Trivial 46: Hey, Lex?

Title: Trivial 46: "Hey, Lex?"  
Author: Kel  
Rating: R for nudity and adult themes  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: "Hey, Lex? What's a Pavlovian reaction?"  
Archive: Knock yourself out.  
  
Notes: For Patt, who started with "Hey Jim?" Thanks muchly to Amy who helped Clark's little brat come out to play, and many hugs to the much-abused Lexmuse, who has to put up with it all.  
  
"Hey, Lex?"  
  
"You know, Clark... I am really beginning to dread those two little words coming out of your mouth."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I know I'm going to end up with a headache, and then have the headache cured with some wonderfully illegal, mind-blowing sex, and while i'm not complaining... I'm having a Pavlovian reaction to it."  
  
"Hey, Lex?"  
  
"Yes, Clark?"  
  
"What's a Pavlovian reaction?"  
  
"Pavlov was a Russian scientist who studied psychological conditioning in dogs. He would ring a bell every time he fed a certain group of dogs meat, and the salivation caused by the meat quickly became associated with an out-of-the-normal stimulus, like the bell. So at any point when Pavlov rang the bell, the dogs would salivate because that is what they were conditioned to do."  
  
"Hey, Lex?"  
  
"Yes, Clark?"  
  
"I still don't get it."  
  
*sigh* "Give me your hand, Clark. *This* is a Pavlovian reaction."  
  
"Oh. Wow. You named it Pavlov? Kinky!"  
  
"Brat."  
  
"Am not."  
  
"You are too."  
  
"Am not."  
  
"Are too."  
  
"Hey, Lex? Ooooh... it *works!*"  
  
"You doubted my word? What's the question now?"  
  
"If I say I'm a brat will you spank me?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because you'd enjoy it too much."  
  
"Meanie."  
  
"Yes, I am. I am Lex Meanie Luthor."  
  
"Hey, Lex? Ooh! Doesn't it get uncomfortable to twitch like that?"  
  
"Yes, you little brat, it does."  
  
"Hey, Lex? And wow, that was a big one."  
  
"Yes, Clark?"  
  
"Don't you want to spank me?"  
  
"Will it stop you from being a brat?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then no."  
  
"Hey, Lex?"  
  
"Yes.... Clark?"  
  
"If I say yes it will, then will you spank me?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Hey, Lex?" *peeling flannel shirt off* "Man, you gotta be close with the way you're twitching."  
  
"Yes...Clark, what are you doing?"  
  
"I'm taking off my clothes. I figure if you see my ass, you'll see how bad it is and that it really needs a firm hand on it. Just for correctional purposes."  
  
"Fuck."  
  
"Hey, Lex?" *toeing off sneakers*  
  
"What?"  
  
"Why won't you spank me?"  
  
"Christ, Clark!"  
  
"Hey, Lex?" *peeling off socks one at a time*  
  
*strangled* "Yes?"  
  
"Don't you think I'm being a bad, bad boy?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Hey, Lex?" *pulling off white t-shirt*  
  
*choking noise*  
  
"Hey, Lex? You okay?" *peeling off jeans to reveal commando-ness*  
  
"Don't make me have to hurt you."  
  
"Hey, Lex?" *bending over*  
  
"Fuck!" *heavy panting* "Are you... happy now?"  
  
*wiggle*  
  
*slap*  
  
"Hey, Lex?"  
  
"Yes, Clark?"  
  
"I'm getting there."  
  
The End 


	49. Trivial 47: Separation Anxiety

Title: Trivial 47: Separation Anxiety  
Author: Kel  
Rating: NC-17  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: In Which Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder  
Archive: Knock Yourself Out  
  
Notes: For Amy, cause I love her, she rocks, and she's my goddess. Even though she won't admit it. And oh yeah... Fearless Leader of the Bunnypack.  
  
  
*ring* *ring* *ring*  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Martha! Hi, it's Lex. Is Clark around?"  
  
"Sure, Lex. Let me call him." *muffled* "Clark, honey, telephone! It's Lex!" *clearly* "He'll be here--here he is." *muffled* "How many times have I told you not to run in the house?"  
  
*muffled* "Sorry, Mom. I'm taking this up in my room, okay?"  
  
*muffled* "Okay, sweetie. I'll call you if we need you."  
  
"Your mother is a trusting soul, letting her son talk to the local pariah unsupervised in his room. There's no telling what unspeakable acts I could convince you to partake in away from their protective ears."  
  
"There's no way I'm letting my mother hear me call you all the bad bad names I'm going to call you."  
  
"I'm guessing that's a positive answer."  
  
"To?"  
  
"Whether or not you got my package."  
  
"I got your fucking package *right* here, Lex."  
  
"I'm touched, Clark."  
  
"I'm *going* to touch you once you get back from Metropolis."  
  
"You sound... cranky."  
  
"Try *frustrated,* Lex. Like you wouldn't *believe.*"  
  
"Oh, I'd believe it, Clark. I've done it before."  
  
"Yeah, well, I'm gathering that. Are you calling *just* to torment me about it?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Oh yeah?"  
  
"Yes. I'm calling to give you a choice. You can... take the plug out and *not* have one off, *OR* you can have one off and leave the plug in until I come home in the morning and take it out myself."  
  
"Not much of a choice there, Lex."  
  
"And I want to listen while you do whichever you want to do. Humor me, Clark. I've got another meeting with my father in an hour, an hour I'd much rather be spending with you."  
  
"And what time tomorrow morning are you getting home?"  
  
"Eleven, I hope. Only my father would do a 7 AM meeting on Saturday morning."  
  
"Fuck, Lex."  
  
"I can hear you wiggling, Clark."  
  
"Asshole. You know what I'm going to do."  
  
"Yes, I do."  
  
"Fuck." *unzip* "You don't know how hard it's been all day, Lex. I'm pretty sure I blew two pop quizzes and I totally zoned in Mr. Jackson's history class."  
  
"As long as it wasn't anyone else you blew, I'm okay with the pop quizzes."  
  
"Oh, yeah, can't you... fucking Jesus... hear the explanation? Mom, Dad, I'm sorry I blew those quizzes but I had Lex's sex toy up my ass all day and I couldn't think straight?"  
  
"Clark... you're *not* straight. Why should you be thinking straight?"  
  
*heavy panting, grunting* "Talk... Lex. Just... talk. Your voice... so hot."  
  
"I'm getting tired of my father's bullshit. He's determined to make my life utterly fucking miserable. Dragging me to Metropolis on a whim, putting me through meeting after meeting on the crap factory. It's just getting out of hand."  
  
"God... fuck... did you... think about me?" *grunting and swearing*  
  
"Constantly, lover. I spent my afternoon break locked in the office thinking of you."  
  
*grunting, quiet moaning* "Lex!!"  
  
"That's good, Clark. Thank you; I needed to hear your voice."  
  
"Hey, Lex?"  
  
"Yes, Clark."  
  
"I miss you too. Hurry home."  
  
"I will, Clark. You have my word. As soon as I can."  
  
"I love you, Lex."  
  
"I love you too, Clark." *pause* "Goodnight."  
  
"Night."  
  
"You didn't hang up."  
  
"Yeah, well, neither did you."  
  
"Goodnight, Clark." *click*  
  
The End 


	50. Trivial 48: Reunion

Title: Trivial 48: Reunion  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Rating: R  
Summary: Lex comes home from Metropolis  
Archive: Knock yourself out  
  
Notes: Purple beanbags rule the world. :) Mucho hugs to the Bunnypack, who are a hell of a lot more fun than the Brat Pack ever had time to be. KC-neko, here's to Batsuits with rubber nipples. No, I'm not on crack.  
  
  
"Well, well, well. Is that a pitchfork in your hand, or are you just happy to see me?"  
  
"Lex!! You're home!"  
  
"Oof! Air, Clark." *not letting go* "I missed you too."  
  
"I didn't hear you drive up!"  
  
"That's because I didn't. I wanted to surprise you." *kiss*  
  
"Mmm... you taste good." *nuzzle* "You're early."  
  
"I decided my life needs a little more excitement; I walked out on the middle of Dad's meeting. I'm sure I'll be hearing about it but frankly, I wanted to see you more than I wanted to stay in his good graces."  
  
*more nuzzling* "I'm glad. I hate when you have to leave."  
  
"I was only gone two days, Clark."  
  
"Too long." *nip* "I'm coming along next time."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You came home early." *bite* "You gave me a little... present." *lick* "You called me last night to listen to me come for you." *sucking kiss* "You missed me, too." *nip* "I don't like you being upset." *nibble* "I'm coming along next time."  
  
"Am I supposed to pack you in my suitcase? You're a little heavy to carry but you're definitely my favorite accessory."  
  
"I can leave here when you do and be waiting for you in Metropolis when you get there." *kiss* "And be back before anyone notices I'm gone." *hug* "I almost came last night."  
  
"Why didn't you?"  
  
"Cause I didn't want you to see how much I missed you and make you feel all guilty for working."  
  
"It's okay, Clark." *long kiss* I missed you too. I'd love to have you come along on my next trip." *pause to grope* "Mmmmm. Where are you parents? Can we... go somewhere else?"  
  
"They're in town at the nursery looking at seedling trees for next year. I'll leave them a note on the front door." *breezing away and back* "Okay. That's done. To the Lexmobile?"  
  
"If you don't mind..."   
  
*run*   
  
"Lexmobile?"  
  
"Lexmobile."  
  
"Bruce would be flattered."  
  
"*WHAT?*" *skid* "Bruce--*your Bruce Wayne*--is--he *owns*--the Batmobile--fuck, Lex!"  
  
"No, not at all, Clark. He merely coined the term for it. After all, Batman never gives interviews."  
  
"Oh. Man, Lex, you had me going."  
  
"Clark, Bruce Wayne is a very dear friend of mine. He is no more Batman than I am Warrior Angel." *pause* "Clark, why are you looking at me like that?"  
  
"I'm just wondering what you've been doing in your spare time lately, that's all."  
  
"Spare time? Well, when my megalomaniacal father isn't busy driving me up a wall, I'm running a crap factory in Smallville. I only have eight more years to set my master plan in motion to rule the world before I'm thirty. And when I'm not doing that, I'm usually ensnared by the siren call of a beautiful young farmboy who is trying his damndest to distract me from everything else with promises of endless sex." *pause* "It's not like I *have* spare time, Clark."  
  
"It's not *endless.*"  
  
"Clark, you have more energy than that annoying pink rabbit with the drum. If I could find a way to replicate and patent your metabolism the world would never have another energy crisis."  
  
"You make it sound like it's a chore." *pout*  
  
"No no no, just the opposite." *apologetic kiss.* "It's definitely my pleasure. But Clark... I am merely human."  
  
"You're not *merely* anything. You are Lex by-God Luthor, King of the World, as you've reminded me. You transcend mere mortality and aspire to immortality."  
  
*blink* "I said that?"  
  
"You were drunk off your ass at the time. But yes."  
  
"Ah. That would explain the melodrama. Clark, never quote me when I'm drunk."  
  
"I'll keep that in mind next time you start spouting off dirty limericks."  
  
"Dirty limericks? I didn't."  
  
"You did. 'There once was a man from Nantucket--'"  
  
"Thank God we're home. Clark... go upstairs."  
  
"Yes, sir!" *run*  
  
*mumble* "That boy is going to be the death of me... how did I get roped into this again? You are a hopeless romantic, Lex Luthor."  
  
"Leeeeeeex!"  
  
"Coming, Clark!" *mumbling* "Or, maybe just hopeless."  
  
"Not yet, but you will."  
  
*eye roll* "You sound cocky."  
  
"Just sure of myself."  
  
"You ready for this to come out, Clark?"  
  
"Oh yeah. But... kinda not. I mean... I kinda got used to it. Like it was a part of you in me."  
  
*kiss* "That was the point. Deep breath, Clark... I'm going to ease it out slowly."  
  
"Lex... it won't hurt."  
  
"I know, Clark. Trust me."  
  
*hiss*  
  
"Better now?"  
  
"Yeah... just empty."   
  
*hug* "It's all right, Clark. I'm here." *thrust* "Mmm. *Right* here. I've got you." *kiss* "And I won't let you go."  
  
The End 


	51. Trivial 49: Of Tights, Schwartzes and S...

Title: Trivial 49: Of Tights, Schwartzes and Schwanstuckers  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Rating: PG-13  
Summary: In Which Clark And Lex Watch Mel Brooks Movies  
Archive: Knock Yourself Out  
  
Notes: For Alax, who is having a Very Bad Day.   
  
  
"We're Men. We're men in tights! *tight tights!*"  
  
"Claaaark?"  
  
"Yeeeees?"  
  
"How do you hit that high note *just* so?"  
  
"I remember the time I got kneed in the balls in gym class when I was eleven."  
  
"Ow."  
  
"Yeah, exactly."  
  
"You're also not wearing tights."  
  
"Well, no. I'm not wearing *anything.* But the song is cool."  
  
"I'll take your word for it."  
  
"Lex, don't tell me you've never seen 'Men in Tights'."  
  
"All right, Clark. I won't tell you."  
  
"You've seen 'Spaceballs.' How can you not have seen 'Men In Tights?' I mean, it's all about the Robin Hood thing."  
  
"Did you know Robin Hood was most likely gay?"  
  
"You think everyone is gay, Lex."  
  
"Pot, meet Kettle. Who was slashing Brian and Dominic?"  
  
"You *saw* the *movie.* You *saw* the eyefucks. *YOU* were the one who pointed it out to me."  
  
"Clark, I think we're in agreement and don't want to admit it."  
  
"Yeah, but it's more fun when we argue. We have great make-up sex."  
  
*eye roll*  
  
"I want a beanbag, Lex."  
  
"A what?"  
  
"One of those formless beanbag chairs."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"To lay on."  
  
"And I'm supposed to provide one for you?"  
  
"You mean you don't have one around this mausoleum?"  
  
"I am sorry to tell you, Clark, but I don't have any beanbags around the castle. However, I will have one brought here. Do you have a color preference?"  
  
"Purple."  
  
"I thought you would have gone for blue or red."  
  
"No, cause purple makes me think of you."  
  
*sweet smile*  
  
"So, *cough* um... Mel Brooks?"  
  
"The Schwartz?"  
  
"No, no Schwartzing. Schwanstucking!"  
  
"Schwanstucking?"  
  
"Schwanstucking!  
  
"I should be frightened that I know which one that comes from."  
  
"Gene Wilder was great."  
  
"It appeals to the mad scientist in me, I admit that freely."  
  
"Feed my Frankenstein?"  
  
The End 


	52. Trivial 50: Milestone

Title: Trivial 50: Milestones  
Author: Kel  
Rating: R  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Archive: Knock yourself out  
Summary: In Which Clark And Lex Make A Milestone  
  
Notes: This is 50, folks. This one is dedicated to all of you. All of you who read it and then email me or review it and tell me how much it brightens your day or makes you laugh and smile. To all of you who offer me ideas and tell me that you don't want to see it end. Neither do I. And finally to my friends--you all know who you are and that includes you, Rogue--because you've helped me keep it in line, keep it light, and most of all you've made *me* laugh when I write. Flavor list courtesy of Ben & Jerry's website; http://www.benjerry.com  
  
  
"Clark... why do you have....twenty four pints of ice cream?"  
  
"I'm stocking up for this weekend."  
  
"This weekend?"  
  
"Yeah. I have something special planned this weekend."  
  
"I see. And why twenty-four pints?"  
  
"There's two of each kind, Lex."  
  
*melting smile* "I see. You and me, every month we've been together."  
  
"Right. And each flavor's kinda... unique. Like us."  
  
"Let me see. Karamel Sutra. Makin' Whoopie Pie. One Sweet Whirled. Peanut Butter Me Up. The Full Vermonty. Chubby Hubby, Wavy Gravy, Chunky Monkey. SNAFU. Cherry Garcia. New York Superfudge Chunk, and Concession Obsession."  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Those are some seriously odd flavors, Clark."  
  
"But look. Cherry Garcia... first time you made love to me... also known as popping my cherry. Karamel Sutra... for when you let me try that one position that nearly threw your back out. Makin' Whoopie Pie... for the first time *I* made love to *you.* Concession Obsession is for every time we went to the movies. One Sweet--"  
  
*deep, slow, wet kiss* "I got it, Clark. Special ice creams, special occasions."  
  
"Yeah." *nuzzle* "You'll like them all."  
  
"I know I will, Clark." *more nuzzling*  
  
"Does your plan include a trip to Metropolis? For dinner?"  
  
"I can...*kiss*... make time for it."  
  
"And Clark?"  
  
"Hmm?" *nibble*  
  
"I want everyone to know about us."  
  
"Me, too."   
  
"So tomorrow night... we have a dinner party. Here. And... we come out. My father, your parents, our friends."  
  
*happy blush* "Yeah. I like that idea. But tonight I want you all to myself, Lex."  
  
"I think that can be arranged."  
  
The End 


	53. Trivial Interlude: Muse Rebellion

Title: Trivial Interlude #3: Muses Rebel  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: It ain't like that, dawg  
Rating: PGish for Language  
Archive: Knock yourself out  
Summary: The muses rebel  
The Players: Me and the Menagerie (Clark, Lex, Whitney, and Lionel)  
  
Notes: Thanks so much to Rogue who originally came up with Maggie (you'll see)  
  
  
"What tore her away from the computer?"  
  
"Vin Diesel."  
  
"Dude, no way."  
  
"Look for yourself, Whitney. She's in front of the TV on a purple beanbag watching 'The Fast & The Furious' for the umpteenth time. Clark's in there with her; seems they both have this *fixation* on bald men." *glares from all around* "What?"  
  
"Never mind, son. You should have seen this one coming when she wrote you and Clark discussing that movie."  
  
"Dad, you got me all wrong. I'm not complaining. If she's watching that movie, then she's not doing horrible things to you, to me, or to Whitney. Though I did hear tell of a possible costume party for Halloween."  
  
"Lex, do you realize she's written fifty of these things? Fifty of them?"  
  
"Yes, I realize that. And this is the third time we've tried to talk to her about it. But everyone *else* keeps encouraging her."  
  
"Guys, I mean, it doesn't look like she needs that much encouragement. She gets off on doing them, and you know, that should be cool enough with us."  
  
"Whitney... you haven't even gotten the action she promised you."  
  
"Yeah, I have. Just not in this series."  
  
"If you're--"  
  
"Don't talk about spoilers, Lex. You know how she gets when people blow her storylines."  
  
"That's just not what I'd call action."  
  
"Uh oh." *poke*  
  
"Hello, boys. I leave you alone for two bloody hours so I can go and watch pretty boys eyefucking each other over hot cars, and I end up having to drag my ass up off my beanbag to come in here and see what the raised voices are about. Not a happy Kel here, folks."  
  
"Clark! You're supposed to distract her."  
  
"Like she's stupid, Lex? When you raise your voice, it carries. I mean, you yell and God listens." *smack* "Ow!"  
  
"Guys, it's like this. They're harmless. You and you get to have fun. You get to deal with the fish, and you get to wait until they come out. It's not that hard a concept to figure out. Supermope here figured it out after the second intervention."  
  
"Supermope? I don't mope."  
  
*choked snorts from Lex and Whitney*  
  
"Yes, you do. And don't argue with the boss."  
  
"That's right, Clark. Don't argue with the boss."  
  
"You're not much better, O Bald and Brooding One."  
  
*snorts from Lionel and Clark*  
  
"I do not brood."  
  
"I beg to differ."  
  
*outright giggles*  
  
"I am not Gambit. I do not sit on the roof of the mansion and brood."  
  
"No, you do your brooding in front of the fireplace, usually with a drink in your hand. And don't bullshit me, Baldy. I know."  
  
"That's right, Lex. Don't bullshit the boss."  
  
"Don't get me started on you, Maggie."  
  
*howling laughter*  
  
"Maggie?"  
  
"Yeah, Clark. Maggie. Short for Magnificient Bastard."  
  
"You know that I truly despise that name."  
  
"And you know better than to piss me off... Maggie."  
  
"Dad, how... becoming." *snickering helplessly*  
  
"Does anyone else have a problem? A nickname they wish aired? No? Good." *glare* "Why is it, out of all of you, Whitney is the only one who knows how to behave?"  
  
"Because he's whipped."  
  
"I am not whipped... am I, Kel?"  
  
"Of course not, dear."  
  
*guffaws*  
  
End 


	54. Trivial 51: The Party Planner

Title: Trivial 51: Party Preparation  
Author: Kel  
Rating: R-ish  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: Chloe becomes The Party Planner  
Archive: Knock yourself out.  
  
Notes: This is one of a multi-Trivial arc. Things to remember from previous Trivials... 1) Chloe is the only one who knows.   
  
  
"You know, I figured a guy like you would hire someone to plan this... thing."  
  
"I prefer to keep my private affairs as private as possible, Chloe."  
  
"Right. So says the rich man who's about to come out in Smallville."  
  
"Chloe, lay off."  
  
"Jeeze, touchy much? Come on, Clark. This is Lex Luthor. It's not like he's helpless or anything."  
  
"You should listen to her, Clark."  
  
"You're the one always telling me not to believe anything Chloe tells me!"  
  
"You said what?"  
  
"When he comes home bearing tales of exploding heads, Coke, and Pop Rocks, then yes."  
  
"Oh, that. That was just to get you guys together."  
  
"And I suppose that I should thank you for taking such an active interest in my private life."  
  
"No problem, Lex. Small town, nothing else to do but play matchmaker. Okay... this going to be the table for tonight, right?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Okay. You, Bald and Brooding. Head of the table. You, Geeky and Clueless, foot of the table. Traditional, right? Lord and lady of the manor at the ends? Okay, good. Right. Now...   
Who else is invited?"  
  
"My father. Clark's parents. Pete. Lana and the quarterback."  
  
"Lex, he's got a name."  
  
"Yes, he does. I know it very well; it's on my list."  
  
"Um... I think I just missed something. Anyway. What about Lana's aunt Nell?"  
  
"No."  
  
"No?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Okay." *scribbling* "Okay. Here's the deal. Lex at the head of the table; on his left, Lionel. On his right, Jonathan and then Martha. Then, beside Lionel, Lana. Then Whitney, across from Whitney is Pete, then me beside Pete, and then Clark at the bottom. Course, that leaves an empty seat beside Whitney, but that's the seating chart."  
  
"Does anyone in this little get together have any food allergies that I should know about before I turn the menu into the kitchen?"  
  
"Serve corn and I'll kill you myself."  
  
"Yeah. What she said."  
  
"All right. I can understand the aversion to corn. Chloe, leave the seating chart with me; I'll have the placards made up so everyone can find their seats. Clark, you call your parents and do whatever you have to do to get them over here. Chloe, you call Lana and the quarterback and do the same. I'm going to beard the old bast--my father, that is, in his den and bully him into coming."  
  
"Um... okay. I'm going to go get started on these phone calls. Lex, can I use the library? I've got my own phone."  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Okay. Great. See you in a little while."  
  
"Lex... are you sure you want to do this?"  
  
*quiet pause* "I've never been more sure of anything in my life."  
  
The End 


	55. Trivial 52: Party Arrival

Title: Trivial 52: Party Arrival  
Author: Kel  
Rating: R-ish for language  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Summary: Everyone arrives for dinner  
Archive: Knock yourself out  
  
Notes: For Amy.   
  
"Did you know that Chloe had the most interesting nicknames for everyone?"  
  
"Oh yeah. I heard about that. Did you get everything decoded?"  
  
"Oh yes."  
  
"There's your father."  
  
"The Prince of Darkness."  
  
"*WHAT?*"  
  
"Chloe's little nickname for my father, and I have to admit I like it."  
  
"Oh. Be nice, Lex."  
  
"Only if he behaves."  
  
"There's my parents."  
  
"Do you know, Chloe didn't have nicknames for them?"  
  
"Yeah, because she *likes* my parents."  
  
"I wonder if it's really such a good idea to have your father and my father across the table from each other. They will have knives."  
  
"That's just... not a pretty thought. My dad going after your dad with the steak knives."  
  
"I think perhaps we should have gone with the quiche after all. More continental, but less dangerous."  
  
"Pete's here."  
  
"Ah, yes. Mr. Hot-To-Trot himself."  
  
"Chloe again?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Pete's really *not* going to like this, Lex."  
  
"I don't care, Clark. You and I like it. This is just a courtesy to everyone else in our lives."  
  
"Whitney and Lana must have come with them."  
  
"GI Jock and the Pill."  
  
"Pill?"  
  
"I'll tell you later."  
  
"Tell me now and I'll trade you a kiss in the coatroom."  
  
*quiet pause* "That's... dirty pool, Clark."  
  
"I know how to get what I want."  
  
"You just want to get me into the coatroom for a quickie."  
  
"And you say that like it would be a *bad* idea."  
  
"It would be. Everyone's here, just milling around."  
  
"So we can hide in the coatroom for a few and let them mill amongst themselves."  
  
"Claaaaark."  
  
*pout*  
  
*quick kiss*   
  
"Don't pout. Come on." *clearing throat* "Ladies and Gentlemen... thank you all for coming tonight. If you'll look around the table you'll see your place card, and as soon as you're seated, dinner will be served."  
  
*sounds of dinner and strained conversations*  
  
"All right, Lex. You brought all of us here, I assume that you have a reason for doing so? We've humored you this long, and I'm sure we all have better things to be doing."  
  
"Thank you for the tactful introduction, Dad. I can always trust you to remind me why I'm glad you live in Metropolis." *deep breath* "But my father is right. I do have an announcement. *We* have an announcement."  
  
"That's right. Lex and I invited you all here tonight to... to tell you that he and I--"  
  
"Are together. We've been dating for the last year, and tonight is our first anniversary. And we decided that it was time that you all knew."  
  
TBC in Trivial 53: Reactionary 


	56. Trivial 53: Reactionary

Title: Trivial 53: Reactionary  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Lex/Clark  
Rating: R-ish  
Summary: Reactions to the announcement  
Archive: Knock yourself out  
  
Notes: For Amy. And Ghini. Cause I'm really *not* evil, I'm just drawn that way.  
  
  
"Clark? This is a joke, right?"  
  
"Lex, you can't be serious."  
  
"Sweetie, what is going on?"  
  
"Clark, man, what the fuck!"  
  
"Lex?"  
  
"Clark, I can't believe you lied to me!"  
  
"How could you lie to me, son?"  
  
"Ripley, help."  
  
"Come here, Clark." *hug* "Everyone... please. Shut up for a minute. One at a time."  
  
*whisper* "Thank you."  
  
*quick kiss.* "You're welcome." *cuddle* "You can all say your piece but one at a time, and for once, I won't stand for rudeness in my home." *whisper* "And I'm still going to spank you for calling me Ripley."  
  
*whisper* "Promise?"  
  
*whisper* "Oh, yeah." *clears throat* "All right. If anyone thinks they can't be civil, please... leave now. You're here because you're important to Clark and myself, but if you can't be supportive of us and our happiness... then please leave."  
  
*mortified* "Jonathan Kent, sit down right now!"  
  
"I'm not going to stand here and listen to this... Luthor one second longer! I don't know what he's done to my son but I'm not going to stand for it!"  
  
"He hasn't done anything, Dad! Nothing but love me!" *deep breath* "That's all Lex has ever wanted to do!"  
  
"Lex, I'm ashamed of you. I thought I taught you better than this."  
  
"Luthor, are you trying to say that my son isn't good enough for yours? I'd say it's the other way around."  
  
"Of course you would. You wouldn't know any better."  
  
"Dad, don't!"  
  
"Clark, you stay out of this. You're just a boy, and this is between us adults."  
  
"I'm not going to stay out of this, this involves me too! I love Lex."  
  
"I told you, Clark, those Luthors are bad news."  
  
"Shut up, Pete."  
  
"Who made you the boss, Chlo?"  
  
"I did. Now shut up."  
  
"Very good, Ms. Sullivan."  
  
"Buzz off, I didn't do it for you, I did it for Clark and Lex."  
  
"Chloe!"  
  
"Jonathan, be quiet and calm down."  
  
"No, no, this is the first smart decision that Jonathan has made in quite some time."  
  
"Excuse me, Mr. Luthor? I hate to interrupt, but the mousse is ready to be served."  
  
"Ah, thank you, Enrique. Your timing, as always, is excellent."  
  
*Teenage Glare of Death(tm) to everyone* "All right, this is enough. C'mon, guys! You're my family! You're my friends! You mean a lot to me, and all you're doing is... well, being jerks! You're going to stop yelling at me and Lex, and you can ask us *one* question, *one* at a time, okay?"   
  
*sulky nods*   
  
"Okay. So, okay. Dad, you first. Then mom, and we'll just work around the table."  
  
"Clark, what the hell do you think you're doing with this... this... Luthor?"  
  
"His name is Lex. And... we're dating. Going out. You know, the whole building a relationship thing. He loves me and I love him. And that's what we're doing." *sigh* "Okay. Mom?"  
  
"Sweetie, there's just so much--are you sure this is the right thing?"  
  
"Yeah, Mom. We're sure."  
  
"Mrs. Kent, tonight was my idea. I'm not ashamed of Clark; I know how much it means to him not to have to lie to the people he loves--about anything." *meaningful pause* "And this is my way of giving him that."  
  
*shocked nod*  
  
"Thanks, Mom. Okay, Pete?"  
  
"Clark, man! How could you hook up with this... this... *guy* after everything he's *done!*"  
  
"What has he done, Pete? Ever since he came here he's been trying to fit in and do good things to help--"  
  
*impatient throat-clearing*  
  
"--the people here in Smallville. Even the school--"  
  
*thrum of fingers tapping on the tabletop*  
  
"*DAD!*" *Luthor Glare* "Will you *stop* that? We're getting to you."  
  
"I should--"  
  
*Teenage Glare of Death(tm)*  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Thank you. Clark, I'm sorry. Please. Continue."  
  
"Thanks. Like I was saying, he even helped the school after Coach Walt burned the Torch and then when we needed a new computer lab. I know you don't like him but you never gave him a chance!"  
  
"He's a Luthor!"  
  
*Teenage Glare of Death(tm)* "And you're a Ross! And I'm a Kent! And Lana's a Lang, and Chloe's a Sullivan and Whitney's a Fordman! Who cares? Next!"  
  
"Hey, I was in on the whole thing. I'm passing my question over to the PoD there before he busts something."  
  
*snickers from Clark and Lex*  
  
"Okay, Dad. Chloe's being nice and letting you have her question, so make it good."  
  
"What do you think you are doing with this little know-nothing farm hand?"  
  
*angrily* "I know *exactly* what I'm doing, Dad. I'm learning how to love and *be* loved, which is something that you could never teach me. I'm learning what it's like to have a family and a friend and someone who actually *wants* to be in my life. And you can just... deal with it. Next."  
  
*stunned silence*  
  
"Okay, Whitney?"  
  
*shrugs* "Whatever, man. You guys... you know, it's not my thing, but whatever gets you two off."  
  
"Lana?"  
  
"Clark, I... wow. I thought..."  
  
"Yeah, I know. But... no."  
  
*nods*  
  
"Okay. Um... Mr. Luthor? It's your turn, and if you be nice, then you can say something else, since Chloe let you have her turn too." *Teenage Glare of Death(tm)*  
  
"You're dictating--"  
  
"Yes... Dad... he is."   
  
"Fine. Lex... I do not approve of this. At all. This is... preposterous. You are a grown man and this boy is exactly that--a *boy.*"  
  
"Objection noted. And your question would be what, exactly?"  
  
"What do you think you're doing?"  
  
"You already asked me that, Dad. You want to waste your question, I'll give you the same answer I did before. Loving him."  
  
*hug to Lex and sticking tongue out to Lionel*  
  
"Pathetic, Lex."  
  
"Only to you, Dad. Only to you." *heaving sigh* "As much fun as this has been... I think it's time for everyone to just... go. This didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped."  
  
*very public hug* "It's okay, Lex. It's not your fault."  
  
"I know, Clark. But I'm sorry. I wanted it to be better for you." *sigh* "Everyone... go home. And think. Please. We'll... be in touch."  
  
"We'll?"  
  
"Yes, Dad. We'll."  
  
"Clark?"  
  
"No, Dad. I'm staying with Lex tonight. He needs me."  
  
"Clark--"  
  
"Let it be, Jonathan. Don't you think you've caused enough trouble for one night?"  
  
"Fine. I expect to see you home first thing in the morning, Clark. You've still got chores to do and responsibilities to take care of."  
  
"I know, Dad. I won't let you down."  
  
"You already have, son."  
  
"Jonathan Kent, you are sleeping on the sofa tonight."  
  
*soft chuckle* "Mr. Kent... always a pleasure."  
  
"Pete--"  
  
"Don't even talk to me, man."  
  
"Fuck you too then, Pete. I thought you were my friend."  
  
"Clark... c'mon. Don't sweat it. He'll get used to the idea."  
  
*hug* "Thanks, Chloe. You've been the only one cool with this."  
  
"Hey, what are ex-girlfriends for. Seriously, Clark. You're happy, I'm happy for you. Don't worry, I'll work on bringing him around."  
  
"Chloe?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I've discovered blowjobs can be *very* persuasive."  
  
"You're bad, Clark. That's just... ick. And whoops, there goes my ride."  
  
"You rode with Whitney and Lana?"  
  
"And Pete, yeah. They're waiting for me. See you later, guys." *kiss on each cheek*  
  
"Dad... Going back to Metropolis, I hope?"  
  
"Of course. But I'll be back first thing in the morning."  
  
"Wonderful. I'm thrilled. Goodbye."  
  
*slam*  
  
"Christ. I'm sorry--"  
  
*frantic kiss*  
  
"Clark--what?"  
  
"I have been *dying* to do that all night. Come on."  
  
"Where are--oh. Okay."  
  
"Grab that mousse while you're at it."  
  
"Clark..."  
  
"Yeah, Lex?"  
  
"I still owe you a spanking."  
  
"Happy anniversary, Lex."  
  
The End 


	57. Trivial 54: Confrontation

Title: Trivial 54: Confrontations  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Rating: PG-13ish  
Summary: His first, last and only line of defense...  
Archive: Knock yourself out  
  
Notes: Back by popular demand.... Billy Bass! And a belated happy birthday to John Glover, who, like Sean Connery, merely gets better with each passing year.  
  
  
"I'm going with you, Lex. You're going to need someone to help you run crowd control."  
  
"Clark, my father is merely going to be ugly. My father in the same room with your father is going to be utterly vitrolic."  
  
"Exactly why you need my help."  
  
"No. I have... something else in mind."  
  
*pause and wicked grin* "Lex, you wouldn't."  
  
"Wouldn't I?"  
  
"Can I come along to watch?"  
  
*sigh* "Stay here in bed, Clark. Trust me, I'm going to have a headache when it's all said and done--"  
  
"--and only I can provide the Pavlovian cure?"  
  
"Something like that." *kiss* "Promise, Clark."  
  
*sigh* "I promise, Lex. I'll wait right here for you." *sensual sprawl* "Just like this."  
  
"You're trying to distract me."  
  
"Is it working?" *gentle stroking*  
  
"It would if my father and your father weren't downstairs waiting for me."  
  
"So tell them you've got a naked concubine in bed, eagerly waiting for your return. It's not like it's a lie."  
  
*kiss* "I'm not saying that in front of your father because I don't believe that flaunting the fact that you're in my bed is the way to win his approval."  
  
"So say it in front of *your* father."  
  
"No. I'll be back when it's done."  
  
"If you're gone too long, I'm coming down there."  
  
"No, you're not. Stay. I'll be back."  
  
*walking slowly downstairs*  
  
"Well, it's about damned time you dragged your ass outta bed."  
  
"Good morning to you too, Mr. Kent."  
  
"I trust you slept well last night, son."  
  
"Yes, Dad, I did." *settling in behind desk* "Now... what can I do for you this morning?"  
  
"Don't you even try to play--"  
  
*Take me to the river... down into the water...*  
  
"Lex, I forbid you to--"  
  
*Take me to the river...*  
  
"Thank you. Gentlemen... I assume that we can all be civil adults here?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Of course, son."  
  
"Good. Now. Mr. Kent, what can I do for you this morning?"  
  
"You can leave my son alone."  
  
"I'm sorry, but that's not your decision. It's Clark's choice, and Clark has chosen me, just as I have chosen him."  
  
"He's not old enough to know what a--"  
  
*Take me to the river...*  
  
*snickering from Lionel*  
  
"Dad, you're next."  
  
*silence*  
  
"Thank you. Mr. Kent, Clark *is* old enough to know who he wants in his life, and he wants me. I love your son, whether you believe me or not, and I'd rather hurt anyone else in the world before I hurt Clark."  
  
"Sentimental nonsense. I'm ashame--"  
  
*Take me to the river...*  
  
"Alexander Luthor, I forbid--"  
  
"You forbid? Dad, you haven't been able to forbid me doing anything since I was sixteen and you shipped me off and I went to Hong Kong for the weekend instead. Don't embarass yourself."  
  
"How dare you--"  
  
"In case you haven't noticed, I dare a lot of things. I make it a rule, in fact, to try new things. You should think about it, Dad. You'd find out quite a bit about what I'd dare to do."  
  
"You never used to be this outrightly defiant."  
  
"That was before you sent me to Smallville, Dad. I never had a reason to be before."  
  
*Take me to the river....*  
  
*surprised glares at Jonathan*  
  
"I hate to step in the middle of all this dick-waving you two are doing, but can we get back to my son?"  
  
"Of course, Mr. Kent." *pause to regain composure* "As you just so kindly pointed out, this isn't about me and my father. This is about Clark and I. And I'm going to tell you both that this relationship that he and I share is something very special, and quite probably the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I don't intend to squander it." *sipping water* "I intend to make Clark a very important part of my life. And if either of you have a problem with that, then I suggest you take it up with me. Because if I find out you've been threatening Clark, neither of you will like what the consequences of that are."  
  
"You threatening me, Luthor?"  
  
"Not at all, Mr. Kent. Just giving you fair warning. Nothing--not you and certainly not my father--is going to separate me from Clark."  
  
"We'll see about that."  
  
"Yes, sir, we will." *glares* "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have important business waiting."  
  
"Alexander?" *pause for acknowledgement* "A naked boy in your bed is not business."  
  
"Get out of my house, Dad. You've once again worn out your welcome."  
  
"I'll be back, Lex."  
  
"Luthor... you touch my son, and I'll--"  
  
"Do nothing. Mr. Kent... Clark has chosen to be with me. I don't want to make him choose between his parents and his partner. Do you?"  
  
*silence*  
  
"I didn't think so. Enrique will see you out."  
  
"You hurt my boy, Lex... and all your father's money won't be able to protect you."  
  
"Mr. Kent... should that day come... you won't have to hunt me down. I'll be waiting for you."  
  
*shared meaningful glare*  
  
*long silence*  
  
"Lex? Is everyone gone?"  
  
"You know they are, or else you wouldn't have come downstairs. Nice robe, by the way."  
  
"It's yours. Lex...come on. What did they say?"  
  
"A lot of unpleasant things, a few threats... nothing that I didn't expect."  
  
"Hey, Lex?"  
  
"Yes, Clark?"  
  
"You know I love you, right?"  
  
"Yes, I know."  
  
"And you know that nothing anybody says is going to change that, right?"  
  
"Right."  
  
*hugging tightly* "So don't worry. You can beat up my dad, I can beat up your dad, and we'll live happily ever after."  
  
*snorting laughter* "That sounds like a plan, Clark. When do you want to do it?"  
  
"How about in the dark of night tonight?"  
  
"Clark?"  
  
"Yeeees?"  
  
"I have plans for the dark of night tonight."  
  
"Oh?" *meaningful look* "Oh! Well. Yeah. Okay. So, dark of night not a good idea. How about we just wing it?"  
  
"Winging it sounds really good to me."  
  
"Feel better, Lex?"  
  
"Yeah, I do. But I still have this nagging headache..."  
  
"Hey Lex?"  
  
"Yes, Clark?"  
  
"I bet I know how to cure it."  
  
The End 


	58. Trivial 55: Potions and Pavlov

Title: Trivial 55: Potions and Pavlov  
Author: Kel  
Rating: R-ish  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Archive: Knock Yourself Out  
Summary: In Which Clark And Lex watch the Harry Potter DVD  
Notes: They're back, after a longer-than-intended Sabbatical! Sorry about the extended delay, but when Reality Bites... you listen. And it bit hard. :( But, without further ado....  
  
  
"Clark... I've been watching you lately."  
  
"Yes, Lex, I know you have been. You always watch me."  
  
"You haven't been writing lately. Is something wrong?"  
  
"Nah, just not in the mood, you know? If I tried to write right now, I'd probably kill off Warrior Angel."  
  
"You can't. He's unkillable."  
  
"Yeah, well... I'll find a way."  
  
"Don't let your father or mine get you down."  
  
"It's not just them, Lex. It's everybody. I mean, everybody is suddenly looking at me like I've grown a second head. Whitney and Lana are about the only two who don't care. Chloe's always asking me what we did last night, my dad's barely talking to me, my mom is barely talking to my dad, Pete's going out of his way to avoid me, and it's just... making me crazy. I don't even want to think about what your dad is doing."  
  
"My Dad is doing his usual thing of making my life miserable. Sending Dominic at all hours over every little discrepancy, dragging me to and from Metropolis--or trying to anyway. I've finally refused to make another trip, and Dominic's no longer welcome in the house." *pause* "You need a distraction, Clark."  
  
"Dis...traction?"   
  
"Yes, distraction. So you're not thinking about anything. And, I got the perfect solution."  
  
"You do?"  
  
"Yes. Three little letters."  
  
"S-E-X?"  
  
"D-V-D. And you have a one track mind."  
  
"You weren't complaining last night. Or this morning. Or just a few hours ago."  
  
"Focus on the DVDs, Clark. Watch. Enjoy."  
  
"What are we watching? Who's in it? Where's the coke? Can I have some popcorn?"  
  
"Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. A bunch of English actors and Alan Rickman. In the refrigerator with the rest of the drinks. If you pop it yourself. And if you ask 'Are we there yet?' I will have to hurt you."  
  
"Ooh, Alan Rickman. I like Alan Rickman."  
  
"Surprisingly enough, young grasshopper, you show your first bit of class. Everybody loves Alan Rickman."  
  
"He plays Snape, doesn't he?"  
  
"Of course. Who else would he be playing?"  
  
"Okay. That settles it then. I'm definitely a Snape fan now."  
  
"You hated him throughout four books for being mean to Harry, and now, now that you find out that Alan Rickman is playing him, you suddenly decide that you *like* him? I take back what I said about you, grasshopper."  
  
"Just because *you* were rooting for Slytherin from the beginning--"  
  
"Don't be such a sourpuss, Clark. Gryffindors are good, Slytherins are better. I would make a wonderful Slytherin."  
  
"Yeah, I'd love to see you smack that smug little Malfoy bastard."  
  
"I thought you *liked* Draco Malfoy."  
  
"I do. But he's still a smug little bastard."  
  
"And I'm just the man to take him down?"  
  
"Something like that. You know... just from the books and stuff... your dad and Lucius Malfoy--"  
  
"You noticed that too? Well, yes. I'd had the same thought."  
  
"Yeah. Lucius is a dickhead, just like your Dad."  
  
*snorting laughter* "Let's get back to Snape before I actually tell you what I think of my father."  
  
"Hey, I'm easy. I'm all for getting back to Snape."  
  
"Are you changing your thoughts on Harry/Snape now?"  
  
"... kind of? But only if Harry's like... seventeen or something. Cause it's just... ick."  
  
"But you're liking the idea of Severus as a sexual character?"  
  
"Only if he looks like Alan Rickman."  
  
"Let me guess... another fetish you haven't told me about?"  
  
"I thought it was a sign of my good taste?"  
  
"Which I immediately took back."  
  
"Meaning you think I don't have good taste?"  
  
"I think you taste delicious." *nibble lick lick nibble*  
  
"Heeeey! Leeeeeeeeeex!! You were the one who told me I couldn't think about sex!"  
  
"Mmmhmmm." *nibble, lick* "Never said I couldn't." *grumble* "Fucking Pavlovian reactions..."  
  
The End 


	59. Trivial 56: Hong Kong, Shanghai, Egg Fo...

Title: Trivial 56: Hong-Kong, Shanghai, Egg Foo Yung  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Rating: PG-13ish  
Spoilers: None  
Warnings: None  
Summary: In Which Clark and Lex debate Chinese food.  
Notes: Thanks to Amy for planting the idea in my head. The title is from "Ev'rybody Wants To Be A Cat" from the Disney movie "the AristoCats."  
  
  
"Hey, Lex?"  
  
::growl:: "Yes, Clark?"  
  
::grin:: "I'm hungry."  
  
"And this is news? You're always hungry."  
  
"So feed me."  
  
::sigh:: "You're lucky I have a lot of spare change lying around."  
  
"I want Chinese food."  
  
"I'm not taking you all the way to Metropolis for Chinese."  
  
"There's a Chinese place here in town."  
  
"Clark, I don't cling to much of my upbringing, but I do tend to pride myself on my discerning palate. I wouldn't touch the Chinese food that came out of Happy Chan's Chinese Cookery."  
  
::pout:: ::idea:: "Hey, Lex!!"  
  
::growl:: "That's not going to work tonight, farmboy."  
  
"No. I mean, I have an idea."  
  
"Will wonders never cease."  
  
"Bite me, Ripley."  
  
"What's this brilliant idea?"  
  
"I'll take us to Metropolis."  
  
"You'll... take us to Metropolis."  
  
"Yep!! C'mon!!" ::grab::  
  
"Clark, what are you doing?"  
  
"Taking us to Metropolis! Hold on!" ::running::  
  
::clinging:: "Well, this is definitely... a unique way to travel."  
  
"Yeah, I know." ::ass grope:: "But it's got an added benefit of groping my passenger."  
  
::tighter cling:: "Yeah, remind me again why we're doing this?"  
  
::another ass grope:: "You mean you don't like being wrapped around me like a terrified monkey?"  
  
"Not when we're traveling in excess of 150 miles an hour and there's no car in sight, no." ::burying face in shoulder::  
  
"I could slow down, and you could buy a new car once we get there and drive us back home."  
  
"Smartass." ::cling:: "Just... let's get there, and then I'll figure out how to get us back."  
  
"So, what are you going to have?"  
  
"My stomach is about to fly out my throat, and you're asking me what food I want? You're a sadist, Clark."  
  
"I want... I think I want sweet and sour chicken. Fried rice. Wonton soup and egg rolls. Maybe shrimp toast."  
  
"Jesus Christ, Clark. Where are you going to put all that?"  
  
"I'm gonna eat it."  
  
"You'll... never mind. I forgot who I'm dealing with here. Forget the shrimp toast; you need crab rangoons."  
  
"What are crab rangoons?"  
  
"They're wonton noodles stuffed with crab meat, spices, and onions. They're very good."  
  
"Never had them. Here we are."   
  
::sliding down:: "Oh, thank God. Well, come on. We're here, might as well get you fed."  
  
"What's wrong with shrimp toast?"  
  
"Nothing, Clark. It's merely a backwater replacement for crab rangoons, and you need your horizons expanded. They're better than shrimp toast and egg rolls combined, so trust me."  
  
"All right."  
  
"Thank you." ::ordering:: "Mu-Shu pork, fried rice, egg drop soup, and crab rangoons."  
  
::ordering too:: "Sweet and sour chicken, fried rice, wonton soup, egg rolls, and crab whatsis."  
  
"Rangoons."  
  
"Rangoons, right." ::waiting:: "I can't believe you don't like Happy Chan's."  
  
"Happy Chan's sounds like the kind of restaurant that serves dog and cat instead of chicken and pork."  
  
"That's DISGUSTING!"  
  
"Which is exactly why I do not dine at Happy Chan's."  
  
"Here are your rangoons, gentlemen. The rest of your meal will be out shortly."  
  
"Here you are, Clark. Try these."  
  
::cautious sniff:: ::nibble::  
  
"Oh, for God's sake!"  
  
::bite:: ::chewing:: "These are good!"  
  
::growl:: "I *told* you they were!"  
  
"Hey, Lex?"  
  
::growl::  
  
"Did I ever tell you that you're kinda sexy when you growl?"  
  
"Eat. Your. Food."  
  
::peering:: "Hey, Lex?"  
  
::snarling:: "YES?"  
  
::innocently:: "I thought you said it wasn't going to work tonight?"  
  
The End 


	60. Trivial 57: Arachnophobia

Title: Trivial 57: Arachnophobia  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Rating: PG-13 for language  
Spoilers: You're kidding, right?  
Warnings: Here there be spider-talk.  
Summary: In Which We Discover That Lex is an arachnophobe and Clark is sadistic.  
Notes: Dedicated to chrissie and amy, my fellow arachnophobes. More thanks to them for being my guinea pigs.  
  
  
"Lex? Why are you meeting me at the door, dancing back and forth with your legs crossed? I realize that the Talon is trying to add a personal touch to the place, but this? You might want to rethink this strategy."  
  
"There's a spider in the bathroom."  
  
::blink:: "So?"  
  
"So? Go kill it. I *really* need to use the restroom."  
  
::blink blink:: "For crying out loud, Lex! It's a *spider.*"  
  
"I'm well aware of what a spider is. I can give you the taxonomic group it falls into as well as the history of arachnids and how they got their name, including the usual Luthorian reference to Greek mythology. However, that does not mean that I intend to share living quarters with the unnatural little bastards."  
  
"Aha. So now we find out the truth. Lex Luthor is afraid. Of spiders."  
  
"Clark, if you don't want me to urinate on those nice new Nikes, you're going to go and kill the spider in the bathroom."  
  
"Wuss."  
  
::Lex dancing::  
  
::Clark whistling:: "There you go, little fella. See, Lex? It's just--"  
  
"Get that disgusting eight-legged freak away from me, Clark."  
  
"He's a harmless Granddaddy Longlegs. We find these things crawling all over the farm."  
  
"Isn't *that* a comforting thought. It's a furry tarantula, Clark. With the markings of a black widow spider. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have pressing business to take care of." ::running::  
  
::opens door:: "There you are, little fella. Now make nice and don't scare Lex anymore, okay? Okay. There. Now, go on, nobody's going to stomp you."  
  
::sound of flushing::  
  
"Feel better, Lex?"  
  
"No thanks to you, Dr. Doolittle."  
  
"Look, the next time you see one, just open the window and toss it out."   
  
"The next time I see one, I will be either crushing it with a long-range implement or looking for a slayer."  
  
"A slayer?"  
  
"Yes." ::picks up sword-shaped letter opener:: "I hereby dub thee... Clark SpiderSlayer."  
  
"Remind me never to watch the Spiderman DVD with you."  
  
"Bite my ass, Clark."  
  
"You know, I could have flushed the spider, you know. *He* could be the one biting your ass the next time you need to go to the bathroom."  
  
::long pause:: "Oh, thanks for *that* thought, Clark. You can just go to the bathroom with me from now on."   
  
"I can't believe you're being such a wuss over a little spider!"  
  
"I made the mistake of taking you to see Eight-Legged Freaks, and I promptly regretted it five minutes into the movie. I think I'm allowed to have a case of arachnophobia."  
  
"That's another movie we need to watch."  
  
::longer pause:: "I never realized what a sadistic bastard you are, Clark Kent."  
  
"Why thank you, Lex Luthor. I learned from the best."  
  
"Bite my ass *again.*"  
  
"Do you, like, have some ass-biting fetish I should know about?"  
  
"Blow me."  
  
"Gladly."  
  
::glaring::  
  
::innocent beaming::  
  
The End 


	61. Trivial 58: The GrossOut Factor

Title: Trivial 58: The Gross-Out Factor  
Author: Kel  
Pairing: Clark/Lex  
Rating: R for subject matter  
Spoilers: Not a one  
Warnings: Um... might gross a few of you out. For the rest... read. Drink. read.  
Summary: In Which Clark discovers the newest fad diet and consults Lex.  
Notes: Many many thanks to Joshikins, who gave me the url for the article. Thanks also to Carolin who pointed out that it sounded trivial to her. Finally, thanks to Jeff for pointing out that you could mix a salad in, for Christ's sake. :)   
URL: http://ncbuy.com/news/wireless_news.html?qdate=2002-11-20&nav=VIEW&id=09136I5C1UF021120  
  
  
  
"Ewwwwww!"  
  
"Clark?"  
  
"That's completely disgusting, Lex!"  
  
"You must have gotten my email."  
  
"That's gross."  
  
"It wasn't my idea."  
  
"It's *still* gross."  
  
"You've got to admit it's unique."  
  
"Okay, first of all... yuck. Second off... eww. And do you realize how gross it'd be to drink it cold? You'd have to get it hot from the source, and that's just... I love blowing you, Lex, but I don't think I could do it for three meals a day, you know?"  
  
"You could mix in a salad or a banana smoothie."  
  
"Greens and a shake made from a huge phallic fruit?"  
  
"It's better than three meals of semen."   
  
"Would you *stop* saying that!"  
  
"What, semen?"  
  
"No! Three meals of it! That's... ick!"  
  
"Not that you need to go on a diet, Clark, but I'd like to point out that you get your daily dose of vitamin S."  
  
"LEX!"  
  
"I don't think I've ever seen you that shade of green unless you're around meteor rocks."  
  
"I'm just thinking."  
  
"Of?"  
  
"Three meals a day for thirty days... that's ninety different blowjobs. And will it be the same guy or a bunch of different guys or a group that takes turns or what?"  
  
"I don't know, Clark, I didn't think that hard about it."  
  
"It's just... it's a gross thought."   
  
"It's nutritious. And delicious."  
  
"Yeah, I saw, it has zinc and things in it. That doesn't change the fact that it's gross."  
  
"I certainly hope she's a swallower."  
  
"She'll have to be."  
  
"You don't have a problem there."  
  
"Neither do you."  
  
"So do we start this diet?"  
  
"I don't think the cafeteria would approve of that bag lunch, Lex."  
  
"So I'll bring it by fresh."  
  
"That's... no. A nice thought, but... no."   
  
"Clark... are you turning down the chance to help me test this theory?"  
  
"Theory?"  
  
"That this diet can be good for you."  
  
"Well... if it's for the good of science..."  
  
"It is."  
  
"Okay. Your lab?"  
  
"Please, Clark... after you."  
  
The End 


End file.
